#...which DID feel like cheating on the Giving Up Social Media intent of giving up tumblr

[incomingalbatross]

Happy Easter, friends in my computer!!

[tgammsideblog]

Tgamm S1 Ep 12-B ¨The Don’t Gooder¨ episode analysis

Molly notices that Andrea is stealing her credit for the acts of service she does, at first Molly tries ignoring it but eventually it gets over her head when Brighton school comes up with a charity competition...

Episode writer: Cynthia Furey

¨The Don’t Gooder¨ is an episode a bit hard to talk about because it has one more than lesson one can get out of it and it has an interesting development for the main characters. Much like ¨Mazel Tov, Libby!¨ and ¨Monumental Disaster¨ this episode tackles some complex topics for the demographic it is intended to.

For starters, the most clear lesson here is about helping your community for the sake helping others and making the world a better place. As Pete puts it, that itself its own reward. This theme is represented in both ways with Molly and Andrea. With Andrea she represents people in social media of this new era that do what it is usually called ¨performative activism¨, that is that they pretend to care about a cause but in reality they don’t care about the social issues they are claim to be helping with. Sometimes this done for the sake of gaining attention or commiting fraud. In the episode, Andrea does this to gain attention from her followers and specially to impress her parents, who rarely pay attention to her.

In Molly’s case, she cares about the issues she is helping with and she wants to make the world a better place. However, the issue comes when she lets jealousy get the best of her and she starts to get too competitive with Andrea. She believes that Andrea cheated in the school competition and gets obsessed with proving to others that Andrea is a ¨Don’t Gooder¨. She tries breaking in the Davenport’s house to find some proof of her ¨rival¨ cheating. So, it isn’t longer about helping others for the sake of doing good, it turns into who can win and jealousy for a trophy. At first it’s easy to understand why she gets angry since Andrea is stealing credit that should go to her, but over time Molly gets carried away and shows a wilder side of her much like she did in ¨Ready, Set, Snow!¨ Near the end of the episode she reconsiders her actions and stops trying to expose Andrea since winning isn’t longer important for Molly.

The episode concludes with this lesson that doing activism or charity should be done with the intention of helping others rather than turning it into a competition or who gets the most credit out of it, something that it’s relevant for our generation.

The second theme would be when we let justice be turned into a quest for revenge, which is what Molly does when she tries exposing Andrea for ¨cheating¨ in the school fundraising. It’s quite interesting the way it is executed because Scratch is the one who encourages Molly to get back at Andrea at first but later he regrets it after seeing how everything gets out of control. It’s one of those scenarios that show that Scratch isn’t always a good influence on Molly and he can encourage some of her worst behaviour. His role in this episode is pretty good, seeing the exchanges he has with Molly, leading her to ¨teach Andrea a lesson¨. This characterization of his comes from him being protective of Molly and disliking when other people try taking advantage of her. This leads him to get more angry than Molly probably does, at least before Molly comes up with her plan.

When Molly is about to show everyone that Andrea bought the bar nuggets instead of selling them, she picks up that the reason Andrea was doing this was because her parents don’t give her the emotional attention she needs. This makes Molly feel sorry and decides to lie to cover up for Andrea, a gesture that she herself appreciates. And it’s a rather unique way of ending the conflict considering Andrea doesn’t get fully exposed. I would argue that it is a good ending because it fits with the themes of the story and it’s mostly in character for Molly to sympathize with even with people she doesn’t like. Although it isn’t the conclusion some would prefer, it does makes sense both for narrative and characters.

The third lesson a person can get away from ¨The Don’t Gooder¨ is how we sometimes overlook things we have by paying attention to what other people have. Molly mentions a few times how ¨Andrea has everything she wants¨ but near the end she learns that Andrea has neglectful parents who aren’t there for her and Molly appreciates that Sharon and Pete are loving parents who don’t act that way. This ¨reveal¨ (which was explored in ¨Saving Christmas previously) explains Andrea’s overall behaviour. Why she is always trying to get attention in social media, why she doesn’t pick up social cues and doesn’t appear to have real life friends or genuine friends. Her parents aren’t there for her, which makes her trying to find that attention somewhere else, in this case being social media. One complain i have is that the ¨reveal¨ in this episode feels rushed. It only last 10 seconds and it doesn’t get more time to get explored. It doesn’t let the viewer to process the information fast enough to get what is happening.

On last point, the song sequence for this episode is nice. It’s better than the previous segment, ¨Game Night¨. While it’s not amazing, it works just fine for the scene it is playing in. The whole sequence involves Molly selling the nugget bars and showing how Andrea does nothing to sell them. There are some funny moment of Scratch sabotaging Andrea’s to help Molly to win.

In conclusion: ¨The Don’t Gooder¨ is an episode that does well at developing the main characters in different ways, it teaches some good lessons and it has unique ending that fits with the story. I like how one can take away more than one thing out of it and it was nice to see Andrea getting a deeper exploration to her motives and her behaviour. It’s pretty solid.

[melancholicspace]

Dear gelo my love,

I dont know if you'll be able to read this in the future, or maybe not. But im just writing this as a proof of how much I love you right now. I love you so much more than words can explain. I feel sorry about myself all the time, for being this person that you do not deserve. Every time I see how your eyebrows meet or hear you sigh, I'd immediately feel regret about what I said or did. I never wanted to disappoint you. To frustrate you. To hurt you. To make you feel less of yourself. To hate me. But probably because I haven't healed the parts of myself which isn't really a valid excuse, but please know, with all my heart, that I'm trying my best to love you in the way you deserve. I constantly blame myself for giving you headaches, for making myself doubt your intentions, for ALWAYS—freaking fucking always—thinking that you're cheating on me EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING REASON to do so. I'm so tired of myself, love. I'm not even sure why you're not giving up on me. I'm a ball of insecurity and I know you hate whenever I'm so insecure but I hope you know that I hated myself more. I hated myself more than you do. I hate that I do it. I hate it when I feel it. I hate that I think that way. And I know I frequently tell you how impatient you are, but seeing how you put up with my attitude makes me feel really grateful and realize that you're a patient man. You're patient and kind and smart and handsome and caring and I hate that I made you feel like you're not. It really makes me feel bad whenever you tell me that you feel like you're the worst bf in the world. Because you're not. And if only I could tell the world how I'm so so lucky to have you. But that's too cheesy, and even posting this is too cheesy. Probably you'll even cringe when you read this. But love, i see you and i appreciate you. I see how you budget your money just so you could be with me. Just so you can treat me in nice restaurants. I can see how you manage your time and how you force yourself to stay awake at night so you can have a little time for me. I can see how much you want me to be with you in every family event, even if it conflicts a lot of things. I can see how much it makes you happy when you always rush me to go down the stairs. Or how you seduce me secretly even in front of the people we know. I can see how proud you are having me, to your friends and relatives. I can see you trying to improve yourself—and actually do improve—because you listen to me. I'm so sorry for holding such an unrealistic standards and made you feel shit when you failed to reach it. It's such an immature act of me to expect you to do all these things I saw on social media and feel disappointed when you're not them. I'm so sorry love.

If I die, please know that I genuinely love you with all my heart. With no doubts and hesitations.

And I'll die continue trying to be the best gf you deserve.

I'm sorry I hurt you love.

I love you.

So fucking much.

[ojcobsessed]

oooh this is a good one. i've gotten this question on this blog a few times over the years and people yell at oliver in his instagram posts' comments about this too. i have a lot of thoughts about this so this is so fucking long, jeez.

in a nutshell, i guess in a way i think he is typecast at this point but it's not bc he doesn't want other jobs. it's just the only kind of role he's gotten for a while.

1 - so for example i do think the characters of james and will are very similar, which to me is unfortunate because the character of will in the original source material for wilderness was soo different. he was more like a promiscuous himbo charmer and was even funny here and there but the show turned him (imo) irredeemable and unlikable for plot purposes.

now i feel you could argue that james in surface isn't really a bad person, just someone who hides a lot of secrets but with good intentions toward the female protagonist, but in practice they were both 8 full episodes' worth of unlikable, untrustworthy toxic men and a lot of people did comment on social media about this seeming like a very unpleasant creative rut for oliver.

2 - people who complain he went from playing an abusive piece of shit in the invisible man to an abusive piece of shit in bly manor need to remember peter quint isn't the role oliver signed on to a second season for. the show was originally announced with oliver and victoria pedretti as the two leads and in this interview oliver says that he was jamie in the original draft of the season before it was written, but netflix forced mike flanagan to recast jamie because they thought audiences wouldn't be able to handle actors who formerly played twins to play lovers (ahs does this kind of thing successfully all the time but ok netflix).

oliver has also said that he signed on to the second season when it was just a pitch, before anything was written. so it wasn't really his fault that he went from luke crain to adrian griffin to peter quint!

3 - likewise oliver said he originally read for the part in the lost daughter that eventually went to jack farthing, the boring disconnected husband that the lead character ((played by jessie buckley) cheats on with peter sarsgaard's older man professor character as a young woman. so the role he wanted in that project wasn't a toxic criminal like toni, just dull and unsupportive.

4 - its very true that though he's played a lot of shady characters very few of them have been outright villainous! but i'm also not convinced that's a nuance that mainstream audiences or industry people necessarily pick up on unfortunately. we know they're different but to a lot of casual viewers, adrian, toni, peter, james and will are all the same character in different fonts.

5 - so i don't necessarily agree that oliver is deliberately seeking out these toxic shitty boyfriend/husband roles specificallly, at least not that it's a niche he gives any special preference for just like horror hasn't been something he's sought out specificallly.

instead i think it's just been coincidences mixed with circumstances.

6 - a big thing being he is at an age where most male actors who aren't getting leading roles are instead getting boyfriend/husband roles. it's just what's available and for whatever reason, he's not yet getting bigger or leading roles in bigger projects.

tbf i just don't think his looks fit into the current hollywood zeitgeist for what's popular among lead male actors in the 25-40 range right now. so he gets these supporting roles and a lot of times they're a foil bf husband character. aka sketchy!

7 - however, we do know he tries out for bigger and different things. there was the bigger lost daughter role above, and he also has said that he tried out for the young albus dumbledore role years ago in the fantastic beasts franchise many years ago before they decided to skew the role much older and cast jude law instead, and we ALSO know from his talking about it that he was on the short list for the role in mike flanagan's 2013 film oculus which eventually went to brenton thwaites and which is how he met mike flanagan and got cast in hill house a few years later.

8 - also as marvel stans on twitter have bemoaned every day for the last 2.5 years, he was very open to trying out for the role of marc spector/moon knight in the marvel tv series until marvel said they wanted a big name in the role.

9 - there was a rumor circulating on twitter in very early 2021 which i can't find now for the life of me (prob deleted) that he had been on the short list for a role in a star wars related project that he ultimately didn't get either.

note….. due to the timing of it i'm confident it was andor but no clue what role it was for.

10 - finally in the video interview with jackdaw director jamie childs that i just posted, jamie says that when he told oliver about the script he was working on, just chatting as a friend, oliver asked him for advice about what directors might look for in auditions for action lead roles.

so i do think he's interested in and trying for different kinds of roles but he's just not getting them just yet for a wide variety of reasons that have nothing to do with his effort or talent.

anyway for anyone who's got "oliver jackson-cohen toxic bf/husband character" fatigue, his next 2 roles in both jackdaw and the world will tremble are both lead hero roles. so who knows, maybe his career trajectory is going to turn some kind of corner with those. here's to hoping!

do you think oliver's been typecast, as far as the 'scummy man' role goes? I know he feels that these characters are pretty different but... lol idk it's a lot. invisible man, bly manor, lost daughter, etc

i feel like typecast has some negative connotations but honestly yes! he definitely has a type that he enjoys playing and has been pretty vocal about what he doesn’t enjoy (rom-coms / action-y movies [which is ironic considering jackdaw]) but he’s been playing these ‘dark/scummy’ roles for his entire career, so they’re not really new.

i think a lot of people became a fan of his through hill house which skewed their opinion of him since it was a bit of a departure from his regular type of role and then were confused when he went back to playing the “bad guy”. imo only like 8 (9 depending on how you feel about lucas/roan) roles out of his entire filmography (28 listed on imdb) would i consider to be “good guys”.

i also really don’t think the back to back roles of james and will have done anything to reassure people he can play diverse characters since they are so deeply similar. but at the same time it’s unfair that people seem to completely ignore mr. malcolm’s list and emily (usually forgotten bc they are movies and period pieces) which are so different from his usual tv roles.

anyways, yes i think he is typecast for darker roles but i don’t think it’s against his wishes!

[iwadori]

When they neglect you for another girl Part 4 (Sakusa)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

Word Count: 2.6K

Genre: Angst to Fluff

masterlist

AN: YES I DID PUT MYSELF IN THIS STORY! SUE ME. This is basically inspired by a random conversation i had w the great @teesumu, so this is basically for you doll <3

Sakusa:

You and Sakusa have been together for a around 10 years and love eachother immensly.    

However recently Sakusa has been busy and you havent really had much time together lately as he claims been busy doing loads of visits with his new agent.

But of course, being the loving partner you are you wanted to revive the spark in your relationship.

You have been seeing a lot of people on social media posting their aesthetic ‘picnic dates,’ and you knew that this was something that appealed to you before it was ‘on trend.’ Kiyoomi immediately came to your mind once you had the idea of going on a date. You knew that you haven’t be around each other lately, as Kiyoomi always had either a ‘meeting’ or some sort of ‘interview’ that his new agent “Empress” has set up for him.

You didn’t really know Empress that well, just that she was ‘good at her job,’ a ‘hard and dilligent worker,’ and a ‘raging hottie’ with Atsumu’s opinion being the last one. You weren’t suspecting her to have any malicious intent towards you or Kiyoomi, since you knew that he had a great judge of character. But it was just odd, that every time Kiyoomi was running late or having ‘super-secret’ conversations on the phone it was always because ‘my agent set up this,’ ‘my agent set up that,’ and that’s what left you a bit wary.

As you were scrolling through your phone you see a calendar updating saying : Next Week‘ A DECADE AGO WE FELL IN LOVE.’  

10 years. How could you forget? You and Omi have literally been together for a decade. You think back to the decade of madness and love you’ve been through together, smiling fondly to yourself but then you think about where you are now... barely even talking to each other, only mainly seeing him when he comes home from work.

You need to fix this. Or at least make an attempt to get you and Kiyoomi talking again. So, the only thing you can do, is plan that picnic.

You spent the rest of the day planning your anniversary picnic. ’It’s going to be great,’ you think to yourself, you have a list of all Omi’s favorite foods you're going to make him and bring and you are probably going to pick up a few board games and maybe even get some paint supplies. You and Kiyoomi used to paint a lot together, with the two of you not being the best of painters, but you enjoyed eachothers company non the less.  

Everything was sorted...for the most part. All you needed to do was get Omi there, and it’ll all be okay. Right? As you were bubbling and looking for more picnic inspo, you hear your front door open which made you even more excited to tell your boyfriend your plans.  

As you rush to go greet him, you see he’s on the phone making you roll your eyes. “No Empress it won’t work, we need this sorted by next week. Okay? Next week.” he says in an agitated way. He hangs up the phone and sighs, shoving off his duffel bag.

“Hey Omi, how was your day?” you say a bit hesitant, noticing his annoyed mood.  

“Fine” He said dismissively, aiming to walk past you aiming for your bedroom.

“Oh well I have something amazing planned for ne-” you try to say following after him.

“Can we not do this right now Y/N,” he says again turning too look at you making you frown a bit, all you wanted to do is surprise him with your plans and have a day out with him. After noticing your sad look he finishes with “it’s just that Empress she’s bee-”

“I don’t want to hear about her.” you say bitterly folding your arms, Empress is the last person you want to hear about right now “God Omi can’t you just care about me? For once.”

“I do I-”

“You don’t anymore,” you say, with all the emotions and feelings you’ve been just supressing from a while coming up. You don’t even know how you got from point A to B with this conversation, but there's no stopping now. “I feel that, for a while now we haven’t been how we were before when we were just Y/N and Kiyoomi. Instead of how we are now. Just Y/N. Then Kiyoomi and Empress.”

After hearing his agents name, Kiyoomi’s name contorts to confusion “Empress? What does she have to do with anything?”

“How can you not see? For the past month all it’s been is ‘Empress this’ ‘Empress that,’” you complain “Having your super secret conversations with her, like god Kiyoomi can’t you see a problem with this?”  

“It’s not like that Y/N, we’re just work partners” he says looking a bit annoyed “Just business.”

 “Just business? So Kiyoomi, what were you talking about on the phone earlier” you say with your voice slight accusingly.

“Umm I, I can’t really say?” he says more of a question then a fully assured statement. You squint your eyes at him and scoff.

“What is going on with you Omi?” you say “are you cheating on me with her is that it?”

“No, no of course not Y/N! How could you even ask that?” he frowned at your question making your chest hurt, since deep down you knew he could never do that to you. Could he?

“Well tell me then, what were you talking about?” you ask again.

“I can’t say..” he finishes  

“Well I can’t stay.” you say and his face goes back to confusion “Here. With you.”

“What do you mean Y/-”

“I need a break or something. I just can’t be here right now.” You start to rush and pack a big of things whilst Kiyoomi just stands there.

After you pack up your stuff, you look back and see Kiyoomi just there. Standing. You were upset, you kind of wanted him to rush after you and beg you not to leave, but he was just there. Standing. So you put the hand on the door and just before you leave you turn back and say “bye Sakusa, see you later?” to which you see him slightly nod at.

When the door shut, Kiyoomi starts to cry. After hearing you call him by his last name really twisted the knife that was already in his heart. You haven’t called him that since you were like 15. He knew what you wanted; he knew you wanted him to rush towards you and beg you not to leave, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. But what he could do is call the one person he only could call.

After a few rings, he hears “What do you need Saku?”  

“She’s gone, she left.”

“What do you mean she’s gone, did you tell her?”  

“No I didn’t tell her. And that’s the problem, Empress she think-”

“Saku, don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it.”

“You’ll handle it?”

“Don’t I always?”

He couldn’t argue with that, he just had to trust that Empress could sort it. “And also, don’t spend the week with your head up your ass crying, you’ve got a lot of grovelling to do kiddo.”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him, as he knew that what just went down needed to be resolved, fast.

Meanwhile, on your end. You’re a mess. Sobbing all the time, tissues are your best friend, you’ve been waiting just waiting for a message or a call, or some form of communication. You just wanted to feel wanted by your boyfriend (can you even call him that now.)  

You spent the rest of the week at your parents, immersing yourself in your work and doing ‘self care’ things, trying to forget all about the argument you and Kiyoomi had.  

One day, you receive a letter, it wasn’t delivered by a mail man though. It was slid under your door, in a golden envelope sealed with a red hot wax seal. It read:

‘Dear Y/N,

My sweetheart, im sorry for how the week has been and I know a letter with only a fraction of how I feel won’t make up for how I acted that day. But im inviting you to join me at the Gardenia Botanical Gardens at 2 pm tommorow, to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.  

I know there is a big chance, you may not want to see me and I understand but please. I love you, so so much, that words can’t even describe. But I need you to see me apologise and I need to make it up to you.  

I hope to see you there, I’d wait the whole day for you. If you don’t show, I understand.

Sincerely, Sakusa Kiyoomi

P.S The theme is ‘summer hot day, tea with the queen’ - Atsumu’

You smile at the letter, but wonder if you should actually go or not. You did want to see him of course and get this all resolved, but you had your own plans for your anniversary which wouldn’t of been spoiled if he didn’t withhold his super-secret phone calls.

It took you hours to contemplate on what to do, but you decided to just sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. In the morning, you knew what you wanted to do. Of course, you had to go, at least to hear him out and see if he really did cheat on you or not. For all you know he’s inviting you to tell you that he’s going to run away with his agent and his secret kids they had together. You shook the negative thoughts from your head and just repeated your mantra ‘hope for the best and prepare for the worst.’

When you got there, you didn’t exactly know where he would be but he said ‘botanical gardens’ so of course you decided to just wander around there. It was nice walking around and just smelling the roses, and seeing the pretty scenery.  

“Excuse me ma’am,” you hear someone say tugging on your leg “um that mister over there told me to give you these.” Looking down, you see a small boy who looked about the age of four with a crumpled up bunch of roses handing them to you.

“Oh thank you,” you say giving the kid a head pat “where is this ‘mister’ might I ask?”

“He’s over there!” The kid pointed behind him and you look to see Kiyoomi sitting under a white gazebo which is surrounded in your favorite flowers and the table is filled with food.

You walk over to your ‘boyfriend,’ with him not noticing your present yet. When you reach him you say “I think she stood you up buddy,” you joke making him jump abit startled.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, instantly beaming “You came you made it!” he stood up and pulled you into a hug, which you return before you remember why you came here in the first place.

“Oh I-” he says awkwardly

You decide to sit down pulling him down with you. You kind of sit there in uncomfortable silence, for a while until you both say.

“So I-”

“What are yo-”

You both laughed at your simultaneous comments, before Kiyoomi looks at you letting you speak. “What did you want to bring me here for?”

“I didn’t want, what happened last week to happen Y/N I-” he says looking a bit panicked “It wasn’t supposed to go this way.”

“Then how was it meant to go Sakusa.”

“Y/N, please don’t call me that, I know I made you upset but pleas-” he starts before getting distracted again “Y/N, I called you here to say a few things..”

“Them being.?” you ask a bit impatiently.

“I love you. I love you so much, you don’t even understand. Ever since I saw you at my volleyball game in our first year, in the stands just cheering us on. I knew that from that day, after I scored the winning point and our eyes met, that we were destined to be together. I just love you so much Y/N”

“Omi I don’t understand I-”

“Just let me finish please, It’s taken a while for me to say this. And trust me, there’s been so many times when I wanted to just say ‘hey Y/N let’s get married,’ but I couldn’t I was scared, and I wanted it to be perfect, so perfect. Because you deserve the world Y/N. That’s why I got Empress to help, I know that our conversations may seem odd, but I love you and she knows that she just wanted to help trust me. And she did, all this wouldn’t of been done if it wasn’t for her. But anyways Y/N what I waned to say was I love you and I love you and I-” he rambles on loosing track of his words.  

But in the midst of his speech, you hear all that you needed and responded with the only way you can.

“Yes.” you say simply, with a growing smile on your face.

“Yes?” he repeats confused “What do you meann ye- ohhh" Kiyoomi blushes embarrased that after all that he ended up ruining the thought out proposal he wanted to give you with his ramble.

“Im sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean to say it like that I wanted it to be perfect and I-”

You shut him up with a kiss making his eyes widen as he reciprocates it anyways.  

“What did she say?” you hear someone shout from a far, and you look over to see the MSBY Jackals all standing there with shit eating grins on their faces.

“I said yes!” you yell back, to which they all cheer and rush towards you guys giving you both hugs and slapping Kiyoomi on the back.  

As the boys celebrate Omi finnally do what he’s been planning for ages, you get approached by Empress who awkwardly walks up to you. “ I didn’t want to leave the impression that me and Saku were any sort of thing?” she says

“Yeah I think it was definitely a big misunderstanding, it’s just that Omi was never around and whenever he was he was just talking to you and you know how it is.”

“I definitely know, I’d feel the same way if my boyfriend did that to me.”

“Oooh boyfriend?” you ask her feeling nosey on her romantic life.  

“Yeah boyfriend. You know iwaizumi hajime... the trainer?” she says smiling a bit when she said his name.

“The trainer! Nice.”

The rest of the night was fun and was basically an engagement party for you and Omi all you and friends just partying and celebrating yours and Omi’s love for each other. “Omi” you say getting his attention “Happy ten year anniversary babe”

“Happy anniversary, I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

After the party you spend your months now planning for a big fat wedding, with the help of your new found bestie, Empress (who you obviously misjudged from the start.) You and Omi could never be happier, every thing was back to how it was before, maybe even better. And you definitely spent at least two Saturdays a month going out for picnics and it was now a tradition in your relationship, so in the end you did get your ‘aesthetic picnic date.’

AN: WHAT DID U GUYS THINK??

[fairyoftbz]

insecurities | l. juyeon

🧸 pairing: idol!juyeon x (insecure) fem!reader 🧸 word count: 2.7k 🧸 genre: angst, fluffy end 🧸 tw: mentions of insecurities, doubts 🧸 a/n: sorry i forgot to post, i had a busy day and im exhausted, i hope it's gonna be enough! 🧸 requested: yes! thank you, it is very cliché but i hope this is what you had in mind! 💝

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Juyeon came home tired but happy, excited to see you again after a long day of intense practice and a show where he participated as an MC. You, on the other hand, were not as happy as he was, but you were for sure tired of something.

You couldn’t deny it, dating Juyeon had positive points, he was everything you could ask for in a man, but there were just as many negative points. He was an attractive, sweet gentleman, and it was almost impossible for him not to attract other girls, not even doing it on purpose. And it was one of your many insecurities even if you considered yourself pretty, you couldn’t help but get insecure every time he talked to someone else.

Because let’s be honest, in the Korean music industry, every single woman looks like an absolute goddess. So, when he interacts with someone, and they’re a bit too friendly, your heart pinches in pain as he gives them the smile he keeps for you and you only.

You think that they are more interesting, prettier and funnier than you, which has the ability to send your thoughts to the dark side of self-consciousness, not feeling pretty or enough next to those women. And tonight, it was hard to watch on National TV your boyfriend being extremely friendly with the other MC.

You had tried to comfort yourself that it was just a mask, that he had to look friendly and handsome on TV. However, you couldn’t help feeling disappointment and anger as he gave attentive eyes to the other MC as she explained something, his eyes falling on her lips pressed against the mic.

Juyeon walks through the main door, tossing his keys on the chest of drawers, getting rid of his jacket and shoes before joining you in the living room, happy to see that you were watching the same channel he appeared on. Eyes glued on the screen, your thumb rubbed against your lips, feeling the skin of the cuticles you scratched while watching your boyfriend feeling rough against your lips.

“Hi love,” he said as he sat next to you, pressing his lips on your cheek. You didn’t react, only emitting a slight hum as he sat comfortably.

Juyeon frowned but didn’t raise your bad mood, trying to think what was going on inside your head. Maybe you had a bad day, or you were just tired, despite scratching his head and think, he couldn’t pinpoint what had brought you in such a bad mood.

“Did you have fun?” you bitterly spat, and Juyeon’s eyes widened, surprised by your tone, the wrinkle on his forehead deepening as his brows furrowed at your attitude.

“I did. Are you mad or something?” he bluntly asked, and you sighed, taking the remote to turn the TV off, falling in an unpleasant, uncomfortable silence.

“Oh no, I’m super fine. I really enjoyed my boyfriend giving heart eyes to another girl on national TV, it was such a nice thing to watch,” you bitterly chuckled, and Juyeon’s eyes widened even more, not expecting you to pull out the jealousy card on that.

“Babe, what are you talking about? You know-”

“Please, spare me your fake confusion and lame excuses, I clearly saw what I saw. My eyes never deceive me,” you said while standing up, but Juyeon was quick to imitate you and grab your wrist to prevent you from walking away. You tried to free yourself from his grip, but he only tightened his hand around it.

“Juyeon, let me go,” you said through clenched teeth, trying to prevent the tears from escaping your eyes. Breaking down was the last thing you wanted to do in this situation.

“Not before you explain to me what this fuss is all about,” he said, irritation replacing confusion in his eyes. You let out a mocking scoff, your eyes filled with anger and disdain boring into your boyfriend’s, holding eye contact for a few seconds.

“You really think I’m this dumb? I clearly saw the eyes you gave to the other MC when you were both animating the show. Cracking jokes, giving her smiles that could outshine the sun, your eyes ogling her lips when she was talking or smiling. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch that?” you raised your voice, letting anger take over your body.

“I never did all of that, I don’t know what you are insinuating,” he spat, trying not to show it, but your words hurt him, hating the fact that you could imagine him cheat on you or fancy another girl.

“Go on social media then, you will see what I am ‘insinuating’! Everyone is already talking about how whipped you are and how cute of a couple you would look together. Some fans are even starting to make edits!” you shouted, shoving your phone in your hoodie’s front pocket.

Juyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his nerves a bit, a gesture that had the ability to enrage you even more. Your family used to do that when they found you annoying or wanted to belittle you, and now seeing Juyeon doing the exact same thing as them really made you even more insecure about this whole situation. Your family made you feel like a real burden during your childhood and teen years that it hurt you to think that Juyeon was probably agreeing with that thought right now.

“Y/N, I don’t know what you are talking about. I was just trying to be nice, I can’t be rude or it’s mine and the group’s reputation that I’ll take down with me-”

“No it’s okay, no need to explain yourself, the message was very clear,” you said, and you finally freed yourself from his grip, your heart breaking as Juyeon sighed in annoyance again, seeing him almost roll his eyes.

“It’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t react like that, please,” he started, but you waved your hand in front of you.

“No, no, I got it, you-”

“Y/N, for the love of God, stop being so fucking insecure, it’s getting so fucking annoying at this point! I can’t do anything without you getting fucking doubtful, start having faith in me and in this relationship, dammit!” your eyes widened as Juyeon eventually snapped, his mouth slowly closing as he stared at you, realisation hitting him that his words and tone made a lot of damage once he saw the tears gather in your eyes and roll down your cheeks.

The couch separated the two of you, creating the illusion of a painful wall that made you shiver, feeling like your apartment had lost all of its warmth on the spur of the moment. His words were brutal, and they bounced around your skull, your head turning towards the corridor to swallow the lump forming in your throat, trying not to break down in front of him.

“Y/N, I’m-”

“Leave me alone,” you replied, voice wavering as you walked out of the living room, slamming the bedroom door shut before locking it.

Juyeon sighed and carded his hands through his dark locks, closing his eyes as he thought of the words that had escaped his mouth too quickly. He cursed under his breath as the living room fell into a deafening silence, his hands linked at the back of his neck as he thought of what just happened.

“Why did I say that,” he muttered under his breath and collapsed on the couch, unlocking his phone and scrolling on social media to try and momentarily forget your beautiful face painted with a hurtful expression because of him, but it was to no avail.

He saw what you saw; the fiction, the edits, the collages, he saw and read everything. He already hated seeing you cry and being hurt, but he actually loathed himself for being such an idiot and not comfort you about the whole situation with what was happening on every social platform.

His heart shattered in millions of pieces as he pictured you crying in your shared bed, holding the stuffed animal he got you for your anniversary tight against your chest, letting you drown in your insecurities and intrusive thoughts. He loved you very much, but despite him trying to remind you every single day, your intrusive thoughts always managed to get the upper hand when you found yourself hanging out on your own or with some friends. It was as if your brain shut out everyone who tried to reassure you or make you feel better, letting you drown and struggle in your sorrow.

Yes, the other idols were pretty, but they were nothing compared to you. Juyeon had only eyes for you and cared about you and, of course, his members, but never had he thought about leaving you for someone else. His intentions were just to sound and appear nice and welcoming on TV because he knew that some fans, antis and media wouldn’t hesitate a second to bash him on different platforms and articles for his rudeness and insensitivity towards his idol colleague. And not only would he break his reputation, but also the group’s, and that’s the last thing he wanted.

However, he also understood that it was something hard to watch for you, even if he reminded you every single day that you were the only one that mattered in his eyes.

Sitting on the couch, he started reflecting, putting himself in your shoes for a second. How would he have reacted if he saw you being super friendly and affectionate to another man? Someone more handsome, nicer than him, cracking jokes here and there to see you smile and laugh.

He tossed his phone on the couch space next to him, where he wished you were instead of crying yourself in your shared bed, watching the device bounce, collide with the armrest and fall on the ground. He didn’t even fret checking if the screen cracked, head too high in his thoughts to bother.

Resting his elbows on his knees, he pressed his joined hands against his mouth, tongue poking his inner cheek as he realised he had really messed everything up. His knee started bouncing at the disgusting thought of losing you, perfectly knowing that he had to do something before you could slip through his hand like grains of sand.

Juyeon stood up and knocked on the bedroom door, softly calling for your name.

“Y/N?” he asked, and you didn’t respond, faintly hearing you cry on the other side of the wall. “Go away, please,” your strained voice barely making it to his ears, his fingers drumming against the surface of the door in frustration.

From your side of the bed, still holding that teddy bear close to your chest, you let your tears damp the top of its head, feeling the exhaustion of crying kicking in. Juyeon didn’t knock another time, trying not to push your buttons too much to save his chances to talk to you.

You heard a small thud on the lower part of the door, frowning as you wondered what it was. Deep breathings filled in the silence lingering in the corridor, selfishly feeling a bit relieved that you weren’t the only one hurt in this situation. Juyeon was a smart, tolerant man, he knew when to put his pride aside and not blame you for something you said or did. Well, it’s not the case for this time, and it’s probably exhaustion that spoke for him, and that, of course, doesn’t excuse anything, but he wanted to apologise and make up for everything.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me or hear my voice after what I’ve told you, but I really want to apologise for what I’ve said,” you held your breath to hear his faint, low voice on the other side of the door. You sat up and felt dizzy for a quick second, still holding the teddy bear against your chest, your face buried in its head as you let the tears keep rolling on your cheeks.

“I know it’s hard to date me, and I’m really sorry, I wish we had a simpler life, where we could hang out and go on dates like two normal people. It’s also hard for me to not be the type of boyfriend everyone wishes to have, but I’m so damn grateful to call you mine.” Juyeon marked a pause and ruffled his hair, pushing the front pieces away from his hair while thinking of his following words.

“I… you don’t know how much I’m sorry for using your insecurities against you. I shouldn’t have, it was the dumbest move I could ever do, but I just didn’t know what to answer. You are so pretty, so beautiful, amazing, and absolutely wonderful to have around to me, so seeing you this insecure makes me mad every time you compare yourself to someone you think looks prettier, thinner, or more perfect than you. It’s... really frustrating because I try my best to make you feel like a goddess and worth it every day, but those unrealistic society standards and god damn social media make you feel like you are not worth an ounce of love,” he took in a big breath and raised his knees upwards, letting his forearms rest on them.

You slowly opened the door behind him and dropped the teddy bear by his side, letting him know of your presence. He was quick to notice it and turn around to hug your legs tightly, your hands finding their way in his hair and started massaging his skull.

“I’m so sorry, Ju,” you faintly whispered, and he breathed in deeply against your skin as if he finally found you again after being separated from you for years.

He grabbed your cherished stuffed animal and stood up, holding it against your chest with a tender smile. He sat you down on the bed and gave you a proper hug, mouth pressing loving kisses on your forehead and temple as his hand caressed the back of your head, holding you as close to him as possible.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I really am. I love you so, so much, I’m really sorry for all the stupid words I’ve thrown at you,” he said, and you shook your head, squeezing your arms around his middle tightly as an answer.

“I guess I have to accept that you have eyes only for me. But you know, it’s hard to acknowledge it and believe it when you find everyone around you ten times more beautiful than you are,” you mumbled against his chest as you sat on his lap, and he nodded, feeling a lump rising in his throat.

“I know Y/N, I know. I wish I could rid you of those insecurities, my heart breaks each time I see you so unsure of yourself. You're just so beautiful and amazing, it honestly kills me to see you like this,” he whispered, and you bitterly chuckled, gently pulling away to look at him with pearly eyes, his arms around you holding you still tight, making sure that you wouldn’t go too far from him.

“You can’t do that, but maybe you can help me soothe them by keeping loving me the way you’ve done since day one,” you mumbled, and he smiled, his eyes shining with tears just like yours.

You both cupped each other’s face and sadly smiled at the other, Juyeon feeling comforted at the sensation of your thumbs wiping the tears away from his cheeks and vice versa.

“We just need time, love, but I promise I’m going to help you realise how much you mean to me and how beautiful you are. And how much I don’t care about other girls,” he mumbled, and he gently drew your face closer to his, your lips grazing against his mouth. You closed your eyes at the proximity, feeling so much love and passion in his kiss that it was getting hard to breathe.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” Juyeon pulled away from your lips and whispered against your mouth, his hot breath mixing with yours.

“I love you too,” you smiled, burying your face in his neck, your boyfriend kissing the crown of your head while hugging you tight.

You giggled as Juyeon applied pressure on your waist, making you fall on your side on the bed. His hand gently cradled your cheek, thumb caressing your cheekbone with a soft smile on his face. You closed your eyes and pressed your forehead against his, feeling him chuckle and gently press his lips against yours.

[lookwhatilost]

I just saw a fucking DOOZY of a post on Facebook. I can’t repost it because it is, I’m not even kidding, twenty fucking eight images long. but it’s public so I’ll link it here.

The basic premise: some man and some woman are dating. She wants to get married and have children and he obliges. Time goes on, guy is burnt out from work and kids and Bitch Wife™ wont let him decompress on the computer without nagging him. She complains she doesn’t get enough attention to her friends and they give her the “dump him, sis” speech. She ends up cheating with a rando who DMed her on social. They divorce and she lies to their kids, says he doesn’t have time for them because he’s dating someone new and the divorce is somehow his fault. He has a friend suggest online dating and he’s confused about how weird and petty dating websites are. He tells kiddos he misses them and they’re like “whatever dad we know you have a new gf and don’t care about us anymore”. He confronts her and she says “blah blah it’s probably true”. He gets infuriated with the support she gets on social media because she’s the one who’s in the wrong.

I always wonder about the legitimacy of stories like this tbh. There’s definitely context missing, even if this woman cheating and framing the events of the divorce dishonestly to their kids. Like, this is almost a perfect mirror image of my parents splitting up.

Actually I think it was worse in my case because I was around 13 years old when my parents’ marriage was on the rocks. I went onto my moms computer so I could upload and post some pictures I’d taken with the camera I’d recently gotten and found… evidence. Honestly that was one of the worst moments of my life because I saved my allowance for fucking TWO YEARS to buy a dslr and I was so excited to share my first pictures I’d taken with it. It was important to me and I upload them only to find pictures of a man named Shannon’s hideous looking penis on iPhoto. This man was also dumb enough to send nudes with his face in them which is… certainly an infidelity choice. I told my dad about it and he said “fuck that” and filed the divorce paperwork the first chance he got. My mom was unaware of my role in this. still is because I never told her this and my dad would never put me in the crosshairs of this because he knew she was abusive to me –he actually pressed charges against her for it once. based dad. only one who ever stood up for me. i love him so much. But she 100% was in a crowd where her friends were waxing poetic about divorce and tried to tell me and my brother all this heavily, heavily framed stuff about our dad to win us over. We didn’t bite because, like, she’s a bitch and a liar. But attempts were made. She ended up dating an absolute urethra of a man around half her age for a while. My dad did the online dating thing, met my stepmom through it, obviously married her. My mom is presently chronically lonely, but has always had her breakup decision validated, probably because she hasn’t entirely been honest about what actually happened.

So the described course of events could have more than a kernel of truth about it. But the reason why there was so much tension between the two of them in the first place is because my dad’s parents and siblings really, really did nothing to couch how much they disliked her. He wasn’t inclined to stir the pot, so he didn’t really push back with the issue. I’m not sure if the child abuse stuff was kind of a open secret amongst them, and I know she’s a terribly unpleasant person. But I can be compassionate to how shitty it is to be in a position like that and how bad that is for a marriage, even though my opinion of her is below the dirt and always will be, even if I play civility with her now. She’ll never have my forgiveness, but I can call a spade a spade.

But I get sketched out when people present this as a totally uncomplicated universality. The intentions. Feels like it’s being used to service a point about feminine duplicitousness and bizarro-world arguments about family court and child custody. Abusive women exist, certainly, and their modus operandi tends to differ from that of abusive men. If someone presents a story like this as a vent post, fine, whatever. It’s your profile and I’m not a cop. But “this is so true and happens all the time” is… Um. Not a thing I trust.

[watevermelon]

Cheater!Akaashi x Reader

✧ Summary: (Continuation) Akaashi goes yandere over the reader dismissing him.

➳ A/N: Hi hi!! SO many people in my dm’s about this Akaashi cheating scenario! I don’t mind writing about it more at all, if anything please feed my imagination because I dont know what to write! ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ Checkout my updated Masterlist to see what continuations are in the works!! :) ➳ Warning: Not a Happy Ending; IM GONNA BE UP-FRONT, THIS ONE IS FUCKED UP - do not read this if any of your triggers involve yandere-like behavior: violence, kidnapping - you have been warned. ➳  Masterlist ➳  Part One ➳  Part Three (NSFW)

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There was nothing, absolutely nothing, that Akaashi could ever say that would let you bring him back into your life. But the setter was intent on getting your attention, often waiting outside your classroom after school or pursuing you during your free period.

Any rumors about the relationship were quelled when Akaashi set the record straight. He would not allow anyone to sully your name, basically telling the nosy president of his fan-club that he was the one who fucked up the relationship. Akaashi told them to never bother you again, he was the cause of it all and he would do anything to regain your forgiveness.

Akaashi would never beg, but he urged you on multiple occasions to hear him out and possibly explain what he wanted. Why he thought he even had the right to ask that of you - just that fact alone flamed up your anger. He was being selfish and you wanted no part of his life anymore. 

But there was also something… majorly different about Akaashi.

He was still quiet, still the ever mannered pretty setter of the volleyball team. People still fawned over his good looks and the quiet genius that he had. But there was something off about him these days, not that you could really explain it. His gaze lingered on you too long and he just so happened to be around you even outside of school hours.

There was one time you went out to eat with your friends on the weekend, going from vendor to vendor along the busy streets of Kichijoji. At some point, you felt the telltale pinpricks at the back of your neck, turning to see his familiar blue eyes staring back at you in the distance. You swore you saw Akaashi that day, but after not seeing it again for the rest of the night, you wondered if you were truly just going insane.

He never outright said the reason why it was over to other people, but at least most knew that Akaashi was at fault. But seeing him so earnestly pleading to have a part of your life again, it made many people sympathize with the setter. They had no idea what he had done wrong, but those ignorant students were so quick to jump on his side.

You tried your best to ignore him, your best friends having your back when it came to his advances. You were rarely ever alone, friends walking with you to and from class. Konoha was your one friendship from the volleyball team that was preserved and he had mentioned once that to even him, something felt off. And so he suddenly started sitting with your group during lunch.

To your knowledge, Akaashi was still pursuing Bokuto romantically as well. The two were often engaged in public displays of affection and so you were curious as to why and how the wing-spiker was okay with Akaashi so actively chasing you. There was something off about the two of them, they were a couple, but not in the traditional sense. They had yet to confirm their relationship publicly, but had no qualms about sharing a quick peck for everyone to see.

You remembered passing the both of them as you exited home, taking the main entrance this time. They were standing there, just waiting by the stairs. You watched as their eyes scanned the crowd quickly before they latched onto you, Bokuto’s owl-like eyes, which usually held a loud innocence, were scarily following you with each step. Akaashi was no better, his blue-eyes that always mystified you, for some reason brought an uncomfortable crawl up your spine.

You only let out a breath when you turned the corner, neither volleyball member able to see you from this distance anymore. But when Bokuto turned the same corner, you felt your pace suddenly hesitate. Akaashi was nowhere to be found, the wing-spiker hot on your trail as you took out your phone. You called the first person you thought of.

“Hey, (L/N)! What’s up?” Konoha’s voice rang through the other end.

“Hey!” You hesitated, not wanting to give anything away as Bokuto’s presence loomed over you, “Um. Are you free?”

“Yeah, but I actually took the train home already.”

“No worries, I’ll go to you!” You urged.

Konoha hesitated, before asking. “Is something wrong? I can tell from your voice something’s off.”

“Um, how about we talk about it over dinner instead?”

“Sure. Where are you now?”

“I’m still by the school.”

“Ah, okay. Go back to the gates where the teachers are, I’ll go to you.”

“Thank you so much!!” You exclaimed, immediately turning around as the phone call ended.

Bokuto was right behind you.

“Hi, (L/N).”

“Bokuto-san.” You greeted, unsure why the upward drag of his gaze was lighting up every nerve in your body. 

All the signs in your head were screaming danger!

“Was that Konoha?”

“I don’t see how that concerns you.” You bit out.

“Not yet, at least.”

You swallowed in fear before angling your head proudly, “Stay away from me.”

Bokuto put a hand on your shoulder, “I know you’re mad at me and Akaashi, but we never meant to hurt you.”

You shook out of his grasp easily, saying nothing to him as you passed. When you returned to the school grounds, Akaashi was still standing where you last saw him. You rushed over to the teacher waiting by the schoolgate, your heart leaping up again when Bokuto turned the corner back to where you were and waited, eyes still trained on you. You busied yourself with your phone, texting your friends and scrolling through social media in the meantime.

It was only when Konoha showed up, this time in casual attire, did you feel like you could breath. Their eyes stayed trained on you and you swore you heard Bokuto snarl when Konoha laid a lazy arm over your shoulders.

You explained it all to Konoha, how the two were freaking you the fuck out these past few days. They kept you on edge, not in the way that should have made you mad for their relationship. But rather like they were too focusing too intently on you to be considered normal, especially with the given circumstances. If Akaashi was truly begging for forgiveness, you would have thrown hands with him long ago. But now, it felt like he was truly stalking you, his eyes following you at every open opportunity.

Konoha listened to your worries and genuinely tried to alleviate your stress. He moved to sit next to you instead of across, hugging you to his body and saying he would do his best to make sure you were okay on school grounds. You didn’t cry, just leaning a head on his shoulder as he caressed lazy circles on your back.

He walked you home that night, your hands held together and a genuine smile on your face.

And true to his word, the next day, Konoha was outside your classroom door after lunch. He even beat Akaashi to it, the setter’s annoyance obvious on his face as he watched you take Konoha’s hand.

Your best friend commended his tenacity, “Konoha is the only one with rights in this house.”

You laughed eagerly then, happy to finally have a feeling of normality setting in again. And for a while, the one who broke your heart was pushed to the side. You had more real problems at the forefront, his blue-eyes were the least of your worries when you had exams and homework due in the next couple of days. 

Akaashi’s quiet gaze and Bokuto’s bold eyes were far from you now - your friends were by your side. 

Or at least, that’s what you thought.

Konoha made sure to walk you home whenever he could. And, as per usual, he was waiting at the gate until he saw you safely enter the abode. Only then did he walk away, heading in the opposite direction toward his own family home. 

You meandered through the kitchen, grabbing an after-school snack and blasting music in one ear as you walked up to your room. Shaking off your backpack, which hung on one-shoulder to begin with, you threw it onto your bed before taking out some of your books. You wanted a jump-start on this homework and you knew that if you mentally wandered off now, there was no doing it at all.

You dragged the textbook out and plopped it on your desk, notebook following as you sat down and mentally prepared yourself. The last few lessons in chemistry were confusing, but not impossible. With the right amount of concentration, it would be done easily with time to spare for a nap within the hour.

Leaning down and angling your head down towards the table, your focus was completely on the task at hand.

You weren’t expecting a completely separate hand to slam the textbook close and latch a firm grip around your neck.

“Finally, we’re alone.”

You struggled against his hold, the striking blue-eyes that you got to know over the past year now reflecting back at you. Akaashi had your neck between his fingers, the usually docile setter lifting you to your tippy-toes. Panic set in just as quickly as you were losing your strength, air circulation cutting off as your ex-boyfriend assaulted your person.

Trying your best to push him off, you punched at both his chest and the arm holding you, but he deflected it easily and simply continued to watch you fail to heave in air in his fist. Only when you felt your eyes rolling backward, barely on the brink of consciousness, did he drop you to the ground.

“I’m sorry, my love.” Akaashi stated, affectionate pet-name a complete contrast to his monotone voice. This was nothing like the boyfriend you had for the past year. His loving eyes screamed of danger and you wanted nothing more than to leave immediately.

You were down on your hands and knees, gasping in air in both shock and disbelief. Had Akaashi really choked you within the safety of your own home? You rubbed at your neck, as if the action would help you fill back-up your lungs. 

You had to get out of here, now.

Glancing over to your door, Akaashi immediately entered your line of sight and kicked you in the abdomen.

“Now how is that fair?” Akaashi asked, “I went through all this trouble to make sure we would have this moment alone.”

You heaved out, “Why are you doing this?”

“You weren’t willing to listen to me back at school.” Akaashi spat out, as if this was your fault. “And I couldn’t wait any longer - who knows how far that bastard Konoha would have gone if I waited?”

Desperate to put any distance between you and this monster, you crawled back toward your bed, only for Akaashi to close it with paces of his own.

“Shut up.” You boldly stated, struggling to stand but doing so anyway. “You are the one who ruined everything.”

“Baby, I said I’m sorry a hundred times and I’ll do it again if I have to.” Akaashi whined before his face took on a darker look, “Why don’t you understand? What do I have to do to make you understand?”

Not wanting to take another kick to the middle or worse, you tried to talk it out before you could think of a plan to escape. “Understand what?”

“Understand how much I love you.”

You reaction was instantaneous, not even your dumb fuck mind could read the danger in the room.

“What a fucking lie.” Akaashi recoiled, ready to challenge you before you continued. “You don’t cheat on the people you love! And you don’t physically hurt them and break into the homes your victims!”

“Yes, I do.”

“Are you fucking phsychotic?!” You yelled back.

Mental reminder: don’t yell that at someone who is clearly off their rockers.

Akaashi laughed loudly, at what exactly, you were not sure. But it was not the right question since it elicited that type of response. He just cracked a half-broken smile, one that felt wrong and yet genuine.

“Get out of my house!”

The look he shot you back - a quirked brow and a small smirk, none of which was the usually calm Akaashi you were used to - basically told you how dumb your statement was.

Instead you asked, “Why are you doing this?”

“To claim the one I love.” He guestered out to you, out-stretching a hand for you to take.

There were two options here: take the hand and get sucked into the immediate space with him. Or don’t take it and risk losing a fight with the nationally-competing athlete in a matter of seconds. Or worse, anger him to the point of extreme violence like before.

There was no convincing yourself this was normal, your shaky hand hesitantly reaching out to Akaashi’s open palm. He smiled gently at you, almost slipping on the usual mask of the perfect boyfriend that you had originally fallen for. But when he tightly gripped your hand and pulled you to him, you knew that was all a farce for this much more violent persona.

“I knew you would understand. We’re meant to be together, I know it.” He murmured against your ear, holding you at the waist against his body. You almost verbally gagged at the thought of him grinding against you, but if you wanted out of his house you would have to take the first opening you got. You had to play it smart.

Akaashi leaned down to kiss you and not even your survival instincts were enough to hide your true feelings. He must not have liked what he was seeing, since he forcibly grabbed at your chin to angle up towards you. You pulled at the feeling, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck to get him to think you were playing into it.

His eyes fluttered closed, relishing in the feel of you steadying yourself, of you giving, against his body.

And you kneed him in the groin as hard as you could.

Akaashi doubled over immediately and his grasp on you crumbled. You took the chance and ran out the door, slamming it behind you as you ran down the hallway and towards the stairs. The danger looming behind you was extraordinary, the loud scream of anger coming from the setter was enough indication that he was hot on your heels.

You scrambled toward your front door, throwing it open and screaming out into the neighborhood for anyone in the near vicinity to help. There was a woman walking her dog and another person on their phone and you pleaded with them with rabid yells for their attention.

But before they even tried to help you, a hand clasped over your mouth and dragged you back into the house.

This person, you could not fight off, his strength more than even you and Akaashi combined. Bokuto pulled you back into your living room, tossing you on the ground with no regard to how much power was behind his movements. 

That was when you realized how much they truly planned this out. You always felt their eyes on you for a reason - they were memorizing your schedule. 

From the route you took home, to when you had off-days, to the one time in weeks that both your parents would not be home tonight - Akaashi and Bokuto had planned it all.

And now you were trapped in your own home with two violent volleyball members.

Bokuto looked at you expectedly while Akaashi trudged down your banister, his gaze harsh and predatory as it scanned your figure on the ground. You were sandwiched between the two, nowhere to run and if you were to scream, then the wing-spiker would just hold you down like before or worse, the setter would choke you until you had no voice.

“Let me go.” You stated, voice promulgating the silent air.

Bokuto crossed his arms and walked to your kitchen, expression on his face stating that he wasn’t willing to listen to you beg. His presence alone was a silent warning, run and he will catch you. 

You backed away from Akaashi but he rushed forward to grab you by the hair, pulling you to a standing position and forcing your lips together. The force was bruising, not at all romantic or gentle like you had done so in the past. He was nipping harshly, surely swollen lips under his teeth as he continued to assault your person. 

“You are mine, forever.” He muttered against your lips, locking in your future least you face the consequences of disobeying.

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Come checkout some of the other ending’s for the Cheater!Akaashi scenario:

➳  Masterlist ➳  Part One ➳  Part Three (nsfw)

[beacon-lamp]

Thoughts on dreams response?

so i read the 19 page paper and then watched dream’s response video.  don’t really know what the discourse surrounding his response is bc ✨i don’t care enough to go purposefully looking for it ✨

my overall thoughts on the Entire Situation under the cut because i talk A Lot:

first and foremost, the math in the paper is Incredibly Thorough.  dream gave the Abridged Version in his video bc i doubt most people read the entire thing.  but if you read the paper, you’ll see the author point out what calculations the mods did wrong and, more importantly, why they were wrong and how they fixed it.  you’ll also notice that they mentioned several times that the results the author calculated did match some of that of the mods’ calculations.  we love reproducibility.

questioning the credibility of the author is a waste of time and energy.  they’re Anonymous for a reason.  imagine getting a fucking doctorate in statistics (an additional 4-8 years of study after college in the US) and your biggest paycheck of the year comes from some dude in florida who plays minecraft for a living.  jokes aside, you can argue in circles about “oh dream bribed the expert” but the intentions of the author and purpose of the paper are clearly stated in the first couple pages.  before all the math stuff.  people were so quick to believe the stuff in the paper the volunteer mods put out.  why not believe the expert too?

there is a greater lesson here to be learned about bias.  both for and against dream.  it was Incredibly Concerning to see So Many People immediately jump to “dream cheated 100%” or “dream would never cheat he’s the best” before understanding all of the facts.  i’ll admit, even i fell into this trap before i took a step back from the situation to look at the big picture.  we all have biases, many of which we aren’t even aware of.  but it’s always important to recognize those biases and account for them as much as possible before drawing conclusions, especially those that have real world implications.  it’s also important to listen to Experts and those who Know More Than You.  sometimes you just have to shut up and listen.  you’re not going to know everything and that is Fine as long as you are open to Learning from those with credibility and knowledge.  you’re going to make mistakes and have opinions you’ll later look back on and *cringe* and all of that is fine because we are all Growing and Learning. 

aight let’s talk about the mods.  i’ve already like vented in the tags of a post from like 2 week ago and my point still stands.  statistics is Very Difficult to Do and unfortunately is an Incredibly Powerful Tool.  there is No Right Way to do stats.  the data is unbiased but the analysis and interpretation of that data can be.  once again, that’s why it’s important to account for your biases.  the mods tried.  i’ll give them credit, i really do believe they Tried.  but unfortunately trying sometimes just isn’t Good Enough.  statistics can be weaponized to push forward an agenda, whether or not the author intended it.  i know that this is “just minecraft” and it only affects “one person” but inaccurate publications or misrepresentations of data have Real Life Consequences.  one Disproven and publicly denounced paper had people Believing that vaccines cause autism, contributing to the antivax movement that is Once Again having an impact during coronatime.  the point is, the mods should’ve consulted a professional.  someone with credentials about their math.  there is no doubt in my mind that they knew the fallout that was to come.  the drama this would stir up.  there was Obvious, Documented bias against dream from the beginning.  i’m sure there were people who wanted to take him down at least a peg or two.  but once again, that’s no excuse to publish this without consulting a Credible Expert.  i’m going in circles now you get the point, academic integrity is Very Important.  also News Outlets have reported on this, overall shedding a pretty negative light on the minecraft speedrunning community as a whole, which also harms the mods too in my opinion.

finally, let’s talk about dream.  if you don’t like him, that’s fine.  it’s Okay to Not Like Someone.  to Stop Watching their content.  to Stop Supporting Them.  dream responded incredibly immaturely to this entire situation, as we have seen him do Multiple Times before.  personally, i don’t believe the excuse “i acted without thinking and i’m sorry” cuts it anymore, given his 14M subscriber count and 1M+ twitter followers.  he is a grown adult and should learn to conduct himself better publicly.  i have friends his age and this behavior in a professional setting, which for him twitter is because social media/ content creator is quite literally his job, would be Completely Unacceptable.  it’s perfectly valid to be angry and yell about it to his friends, hell i’d be Furious.  but he should know better than to tweet impulsively.  feel free to draw your own conclusions on him as a CC and public figure.  please do.  i know “cancel culture” has deviated from it’s Original Meaning (much like the term “stan” has too) but hold content creators accountable for their actions.  do not blindly defend him.  at the same time, acknowledge that he is a young adult who is still growing and learning.  these two ideas can and should coexist.  however, ***do not accept apologies that are not yours to accept***.  shut up and listen to others who know more than you about a particular thing.  think for yourselves.  draw your own conclusions but always be willing to Grow if/when you Learn New Information.

the world is Complicated.  i’m sorry.  i wish it were easier too.

in conclusion, i can’t believe *this* is the first time i’ve used statistics knowledge outside of an academic setting and in the Real World.  2020 is fucking wack.  if you’ve made it this far, thank you for coming to my incoherent ted talk.  no one is going to read this whole thing and i’ve accepted that.

[anythingandeverything1d]

The tape (part 5)

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4

“(y/n)...we owe it to ourselves don’t we? I know I owe it to you....I want to make this work.... Just come home....”

You bit your lip and hugged your arms to your chest. You didn’t know what to do. You wanted to go with Harry, to work things out, see if you could get over the hump in your relationship. Yet you also didn’t want to get hurt again. You didn’t want to feel that pain all over again when you woke up in the morning. Harry took a cautious step towards you and your eyes dropped to the floor. Your heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute. You felt like you were going to drop over dead at any minute. You took a deep breath and looked up, your eyes locking on his. “Okay...” you mumbled biting your lip in uncertainty.

Harry’s smile was worth the decision. He was grinning ear to ear, a sigh of relief escaping his mouth. He even had a tear forming in his eye that he quickly wiped away. He didn’t know what to say he was so surprised and happy with your answer. You took a step forward, trying not to react to the reaction he was having. You may have agreed to go home tonight, but you were not going easy on him. There was no way you could at this point. Harry didn’t risk a conversation or any more questions. He opened the passenger door for you, still smiling. You climbed in, bucking in and watching Louis house pull out of view from your sight. It was around a 30 minute drive to Harry’s and you had no idea what to say. He didn’t either. He kept looking over, opening his mouth to speak and then deciding against it. He hummed along to some music but other than that the awkward silence spoke for itself. You were almost to his house when he cleared his throat and turned the music down. “Do uh, do you wanna pick up some dinner or have you eaten already?” You opened your mouth to speak but he stopped you. “Nevermind, you’ve probably already eaten that was a stupid thing to ask.” He shook his head and looked back at the road with a frown.

“Actually, food would be good.”

“It would?” Harry looked over with a hopeful smile and you nodded laughing at him. Harry laughed and looked back at the road. “I’m sorry” he sighed. “I just don't want to mess this up..its like our first date all over again.” 

You laughed and looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. Your first date with Harry had been a disaster. The two of you were supposed to go out for dinner, of course that was hard to do when you were dating a guy in One Direction. Harry had taken you to a restaurant close to the arena where people attending the concert that night had also chosen to go. You couldn't even get a table to eat, let alone get out of the building after entering. It took so long for security to push through people and come to your aid that you had missed dinner entirely, leaving both of you ravenous during the concert that night. “I vaguely remember that date ending pretty well...” 

Harry nodded and bit his lip. “I had never been so hungry in my life, I would've gladly eaten anything that night.” 

“Cheese crackers were quite the meal.” You laughed harder remembering the details. After the concert, Harry had been so bummed with how your date had gone, he declared the two of you would be having dinner in the bus. The only food left in the bus that night was a pack of cheese crackers. You and Harry had split the package, staying up all night and talking about life, the future, and how your relationship could only get better from there. 

“I can’t believe I let that happen to us.”

“I can’t believe I let you have the second date.”

“Guess I was pretty lucky back then.” Harry stopped talking as he pulled into his driveway. He parked the car and looked over anxiously. “Are you sure youre okay with this? I can take you back to Louis’ if youre feeling like this isn't okay....”

You thought for a second and then opened the door and climbed out. “I think you were right. We need to talk, we need to see what we can do, if we can do anything....”

Harry nodded and followed behind you as you walked into the door of the once very familiar home. You breathed in the smell and felt instantly at peace. Nothing had really changed. Harry had left the place a little messier than normal, which was no surprise really given everything going on. Your finger trailed along the hallway wall as you walked into the living room. You smiled, a sense of home overcoming you. You had decorated and designed the house. It had almost destroyed yours and Harry’s relationship since you had polar opposite tastes but together you had compromised on the look, modern but homey. The kitchen was disgusting. Dishes piled in the sink, food on the counters, and a pair of boxers on the floor. Harry noticed the face you were making and watched you move your eyes from one mess to the next. “Sorry...I’ve been meaning to clean up but things have been-”

“I know. It’s okay.” You smiled and he nodded, relieved you didn't press the issue any farther.

You sat on the couch, pulling your favorite pillow to your body. It felt familiar and right, being back in the house, and even back with Harry who was quickly throwing dishes into the dishwasher. “So, what did you want to order for dinner? “Is pizza okay?”

“Yeah thats fine.” you mumbled looking around at all pictures on the wall. Pictures of you and Harry, touring the world, snuggling in bed, going to concerts, hanging with the guys, hanging with family and friends. All the times that you had been so happy. Those were the days you would give anything to go back to.

After ordering the food, Harry took his place on the couch next to you. He lifted your feet and placed them on his lap, almost as if nothing had changed in the last few weeks. He looked over and smiled until he remembered that things had changed. He carefully set your feet back on the couch and scooted over a bit. “(y/n)-” he was about to say something else but the doorbell was frantically being rung. Harry sighed and stood up with a confused look. “That was the fastest I have ever had pizza delivered..”

You jumped up, grabbing plates from the cabinets and setting them on the counter. You didn’t hear anything but Niall came running into the kitchen out of breath. “(y/n) wait-”

“Niall?” you jumped back confused as he ran towards you. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Niall what the hell.” Harry followed quickly behind, seething in anger.

“(y/n) you shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be with him.” He looked over at Harry and shook his head. “Harry you don't deserve her. You don't even deserve to have her here in this house right now. You ruined what the two of you had and there’s no point in even trying to pick up the pieces. You destroyed her. She spent the last two weeks trying to get out of bed, eat, and act normal again. Why can’t you just let her go? It would be better for everyone if you just gave up like we all told you to do weeks ago.”

“Wait a second-” you tried intervening but Harry took a step forward.

“I ruined the relationship? You know what. I definitely fucked up, but what actually ruined our relationship was the fact that the sex tape leaked and we never had a chance to discuss it before it blew up all over social media and I wonder who the hell did that?”Harry was fuming. He didn’t even look over at you, he was focused on Niall who was staring back just as intently. “Why don’t we talk about that Niall? Or do you want to play the good boy act still, Mr. Hero.” Harry shoved Niall backwards into the table.

“What is going on?” you asked looking from one boy to the other trying to step between them. Niall grabbed your hand moving you behind him but Harry stopped that, grabbing your free hand and pulling you back. You were stuck in the middle like a tug of war rope until Harry shoved you to the side. 

“Niall released the sex tape to the press.” Harry looked over at you with a furious expression.

You looked over at Niall with tears in your eyes. “What?”

Niall didn’t say anything he just moved towards Harry, pushing him back and then punching him in the gut. Harry groaned and pushed him back, spitting, “Tell her Niall. Tell her what the hell you did. Tell her why exactly our relationship is fucked up and destroyed. Tell her who caused the pain that she’s been feeling all this time.”

Niall tried another punch but Harry blocked it. “You did. Youre the one who cheated on her and ruined the relationship!” Niall shouted at Harry. 

“I may have cheated but I didn’t publicly humiliate her.”

“Someone tell me what the hell is going on?!” you screamed stepping between the two once again and putting your hands up. 

Niall gulped and looked over guilty. “(y/n)...”

“No.” You backed up. “No. What the hell is happening.” You looked at Harry who sighed and gently took your hand and sat you down on one of the kitchen stools. 

Harry was running his fingers through his hair, trying to figure out what exactly to say. “I cheated on you. That part is true, and the girl fucking recorded it as a sex tape yes, but I had an arrangement that it would never be released. I didn’t even know about the tape until later on and I made sure (y/n) that no one would see it. I was going to tell you all about it, about everything, there just wasn’t a right moment... Then Niall found out...” He looked over at Niall and then back at you continuing the story. “He said I should tell you...and I was going to I swear...I was just waiting for a time when it was just us...a time where we could work it out together without others being involved but Niall got pissed that I hadn’t told you and somehow, he got the girls info and she gave him the tape ‘for safe keeping’ and he posted it to the magazine who then shared it with every other outlet. He was the one who released everything to the public. The private source with info about us and about the tape that was.listed in that article...yeah that was him too. So while I am guilty about what I did, Niall who’s been playing superhero with you these past two weeks is also is guilty.”

You looked over at Niall. There was no way. It wasn’t true... Out of all the boys Niall had been such a big help in getting you back on your feet. He was one of your best friends, he would never. “Niall...” Niall said nothing, he just looked down. You turned back to Harry with more tears. You didn’t even know what to say. How does one properly react to that conversation. Your boyfriend admits to cheating, hiding it, and then that his best friend, one of your best friends as well had the tape, knew about it the whole time AND gave it to the media to release for the world to see? It made absolutely no sense.

“Tell her Niall.” Harry growled again.

Niall looked at you with a pained expression on his face. “You have to understand...”

“You actually did that....you released the sex tape...”

“It was a mistake and I can explain-”

“NO.” You stood up yelling. “BOTH OF YOU JUST STOP!” you were crying now. You looked at Niall, “Why?” You dropped to the ground crying and Harry knelt next to you concerned. Niall stood there trying to figure out what to say. You looked up and waited. 

“I-I don't know. Harry wasn’t fessing up, I thought the tape being leaked would force him ta tell you the truth...I wanted you ta know that he had cheated...I wanted you ta realize that you deserved better than him, that you-”

“What? Deserved you?” you laughed angrily through the tears. “Harry messed up, and thats something he will always have to work at making better. But instead of coming to me as a friend concerned, you released it to the media? You watched my whole life be destroyed by the videos, the memes, the comments, and you thought that was a good idea? You out of anyone should understand that the media is never the answer.”

“(y/n) I-”

“Get out.” 

“Wait I-”

“Niall get out! I don't want to do this right now. I don’t want to deal with this...”

“Why don’t I jus take ya back to Louis’ and we can talk on the way and I’ll-”

“No.” You stood up, glaring at him. “I’m staying here tonight. With Harry. I want you to leave. Now.” You stood up and shoved Niall hard, your hands colliding with his chest. You were pissed and upset, a combo that never led to good things.

“(y/n)-” Harry interjected trying to diffuse the situation.

You looked over at him. “He purposefully hurt us. Hurt ME. I don’t want him here. I don’t want any part of this anymore. I don’t want to be involved anymore..." You pushed past both of them, running up the stairs and into the bedroom, the place you once used as a safe haven. You stopped dead. The room wasn’t the same. The walls were a different color, there was a new bed, bathroom accessories were scattered on the floor and a new dresser was set up against the wall. The only familiar thing in the room was the canvas of you and Harry in Paris on your anniversary, hanging on the wall. You dropped to the floor, nothing was the same anymore, not even your bedroom.  Harry came running up afterwards out of breath. You looked up at him through tears. “Why did you do it? Why did you have to cheat on me?” 

Harry dropped down and pulled you into his lap, rocking you slowly trying to calm you. “Babe I’m sorry....I don't know why I did it. It was stupid. You were gone and the girl came over. She made the first move, and I should've stopped it but I missed you so much, I just wanted to feel loved again...”

“I didn’t make you feel loved?”

“You did- most of the time....but there was that period of time where you kept going home and and I don't know it just felt like you were running away from me, from us. I wanted to talk to you about it but we never had a chance too....and then I cheated and I couldnt bring it up after that...and I wanted to tell you I swear. I was looking for a good time where we could work through it...talk about it and process it together. But then Niall found out and then he kept threatening to release it and I got stressed and then he actually released it....Part of me wanted to sit down with you that morning...instead of going to management and just tell you everything. I was going to but then we got into that argument and you locked yourself in the bathroom....and then it was too late. (y/n) I’m so sorry....I’m sorry for it all. I can’t make you forgive me. I can’t tell you to stay. But I can tell you I mean every word I have ever said to you. I love you so much. I would do anything for you and I want to do whatever it takes for us to get back to where we were. You have always been the girl I’ve wanted to marry...youve always been the one...”

You looked up at his green eyes, the green eyes that normally held nothing but happiness and love but were now red and puffy from crying all of the nights you had been away. They were full of pain, anxiety, and anticipation now, something unfamiliar to you and something you never wanted to see again. You leaned up, pressing your lips to his. He froze, surprised by your actions but quickly warmed up, moving you to a more comfortable position in his lap and kissing you back. His lips tugged at yours until they parted enough for his tongue to push through, swirling around yours. Your arms tangled into his shirt and his hands cupped your face, ensuring that your lips didn’t stray far from his at any given point. You knew this wasn’t the answer to everything you were feeling, but in the moment, something about it felt nice, familiar, and warm. You let all of the feelings you had been holding back push forward, matching Harry’s energy and pushing farther. You sat up, straddling his lap and never pulling your lips from his. After a few minutes, you pulled away breathing heavily and trying to catch your breath. Harry was out of breath as well, his forehead resting against yours, his warm breath gently falling down your face. “I want to forgive you. I just don’t know how..” you whispered between breaths.

Harry nodded and kissed you softly, hugging you tight to his chest. “We will do it together, just like we did everything else.”

---

Okay okay sorry its been so long. I tried to get this back on track though. What will happen with Niall? Will Harry and (y/n) work things out? Find out in the next part ;)

xoxo

[baku-no-alt]

sriracha sauce

bakugou x reader; in which Bakugou and some other students from UA are doing a work -study abroad in NYC. also Bakugou is nice to you for once

part one of ???

cw: like, so many swears; infidelity (not by you or baku, don’t worry)

You see Bakugou’s blonde head spin around angrily from his position on the couch after you slam the door to your shared apartment shut.

“Would it fucking kill you to- oh, fuck,” he stops mid-sentence after he sees the eyeliner and mascara running in streaks down your face. You push back the hood of your raincoat and shake your hair free.

“He fucking cheated on me, can you believe that shit?” you tell him aggressively. You kick off your shoes and set your bag down in the kitchen. You’re past sadness now. You cried so much at your best friend’s apartment that your throat is raw and you feel like the emotions have been thoroughly drained out of you. All that’s left now is a pit of seething rage.

And if there’s anyone who can help you let off a little rage, it’s Bakugou.

You feel your phone vibrate in your pocket, and your heart drops when your (ex) boyfriend’s name flashes across the screen. Your eyes flick over to Bakugou for a second, who’s staring at you intently.

“Tell him to eat shit and die,” Bakugou growls. You feel a smile ghost your lips. Yeah, fuck him. 

You want to. You will, but you can’t bear to hear his stupid voice right now. So you reject the call and slide your phone back into your pocket. You’ve already blocked him on every social media imaginable; even your LinkedIn.

“I should have known by the way he was always jealous of me living with a dude,” you groan, “He was always accusing me or you or getting weird and now he’s the one who had his tongue down another girl’s throat and I’m still sad. And angry.” You spit out the last words and clench your fists. 

Bakugou doesn’t say anything, so you continue, “I still have to feel hurt even though he’s the one who sucks. I just - ugh.” You rub your hand over your face.

He sucks his teeth and finally gets up from the couch, “Look, I’ve never had my heart broken so I don’t know how to make you feel better.” 

“Yes, you have told me many a time that you plan to be celibate until you become a Pro-Hero,” you sigh and roll your eyes. 

“That’s not what I fucking said, but whatever,” he walks over to the microwave and turns it on for a minute, “A few of the other UA transfer students are having drinks tonight. I wasn’t gonna go because I didn’t feel like wasting my time with idiots but... you’re gonna eat this ramen I saved for you, clean up, and come with me. Before I regret it.” 

“You saved me some ramen?” 

“Yes.” 

“Did you-” 

“Yes, I made a separate portion without Sriracha.”

You allow yourself to smile despite the ache in your heart, “You do care, you big softie.” you say, poking him the chest. 

“Call me soft again and you’re not invited,” he says, poking you in the forehead. 

When the microwave beeps, you grab your bowl and walk down the hallway to your room. Your apartment is small, but that’s to be expected when you live in New York City. It’s nestled in the Upper East Side, an area you absolutely wouldn’t be able to afford if it wasn’t for the New York Academy of Heroes subsidizing your housing costs. The living, kitchen, and dining area is basically all one open-concept room that led into a hall way with two bedrooms on either side and a small shared bathroom at the end. 

Your room is on the right; you set your bowl of ramen down on your desk and then hurry to the bathroom to grab a make-up wipe and start cleaning off your face in the mirror. 

“I’m already a little tired,” you call out to him, “so I’m not sure how long my Quirk will hold up.” 

You could speak and understand languages. Any language. English, Japanese, Farsi, Nigerian, binary, SQL - you could do it all. But so far, you’d been able to understand about five languages at the same time and your Quirk got weaker if you were tired or mentally stressed. 

“They all speak English. Or you could actually learn Japanese,” he says. 

“I’m trying!” you pout back. 

Bakugou rolls his eyes at you. “Fucking Americans...” he huffs.

You hear your phone vibrate in your room and you poke your head out of the bathroom, but Bakugou’s already on his way to it. 

Letting him answer the phone felt so petty, and so childish, but then again... your ex was the one who was shitty first. 

Bakugou picks up your phone and shows you the screen. There was your ex’s name again. He raises his eyebrows, and you give him the slightest nod. A grin spreads across his face. 

He presses the speaker button. 

“Finally! Please just listen to me for one sec-” 

You bite your lip as the sound of his voice sends your heart hurtling back into grief and sadness. 

“Listen up, you skeevy fuck,” Bakugou growls. 

“What the fuck?” 

“You heard me. You’re a pain in [Y/N’s} ass, which means she’s a pain in my ass.” 

You scoff and bump your forehead into the wall, regretting your choice instantly. 

“Call her one more fucking time and I’ll blast your ass to Jersey, got it?”

“Who the hell do you think you are? Give the phone to my girlfriend.” 

“Who the hell do you think you are? Lying piece of shit.”

“I’m not your girlfriend anymore,” you say, stepping closer to the phone. 

“Babe?” 

“Don’t call me that,” you bite out, “And don’t call me again.” You end the call and grab the phone out of Bakugou’s hand, pulling your arm backwards to hurl it against the wall. 

He catches your wrist before you can. 

“Hey,” he says, softly, “he’s not worth it.” 

It takes you a moment before you can meet his gaze.

“Then why does it still hurt?” you ask, your resolve crumbling away. You bring your hand up to cover your mouth before a sob can escape, but tears still fall from your eyes.

Bakugou lets go of your wrist and wraps one arm around you, pushing your face into his chest.

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Snakes and Scandals (Pt.1)

-------------------------

Virgil Blanche hated a lot of things, that was a given. He was, after all, an extremely poor twenty-two year old man living in the slums of a high-end empire city. Every day he would sit through nearly ten hours of abuse from costumers who were raised to think they were better than everyone else, and even the ones who weren't born rich were corrupted very quickly.

"Excuse me? Is this still eligible for a return? I tried at another store and they rejected me but I only bought it a few days ago," Virgil merely sighed at the hat and scarf clad man in front of him.

"If you bought it less than two months ago its eligible for return, if someone told you it wasn't you can file a complaint," Virgil never spoke very clearly, but he appreciated the man at least pretending to understand what he was saying.

"Thank you," it was at this point Virgil seemed to register that the man was speaking with a slight russian accent.

"Have a nice day," Virgil said in a monotone voice.

The day continued as all days working in customer service usually did, of course, had Virgil checked his calendar, maybe he would've realized that it was National Frame a Retailer For Flirting With You day. He didn't have much time to react, whoever the girl who'd used him as a cheating scapegoat was, she was very quiet, and her boyfriend was very fast.

"You tryna make her look dumb? Huh? Is that what you want?" Virgil tried to protest but ended up with a faceful of knuckles instead.

He should've known it wouldn't end well for him, at least he wasnt dead, but now he had a bloody face and was sitting in the managers office, waiting to hear his fate.

"So you punched him?" Virgil's boss was very stereotypical, blonde, bob-cut, light brown eyes, and Virgil knew she hated him. She always acted excited about his new piercings or tattoos, and of course she congratulated him when she found out he'd finally managed to afford top surgery after saving up since age fourteen. But he could tell it was all fake. He wasn't social enough for customer service, after all.

"In self defense, only after he broke my nose," Virgil responded. His manager pursed her lips together, glaring slightly from behind her glasses.

"And you are aware they intended to sue, yes?" Virgil gritted his teeth,of course they were, after all, why attack a store employee if you didn't want to sue them, or, at least, if you didn't want free starbucks every time you showed up.

"No, I wasn't, because they attacked me first," Virgil said calmly.

"I'm sorry Virgil but I'm going to have to fire you," there was no hiding the look of pure glee on the managers face as she delivered the news.

Virgil merely set his name tag on the table and left, all the while clutching his face. It burned, badly, some people needed to go to the gym less.

"You alright dude?" Virgil moved his hand to look at the man in front of him. Tall, skinny, with a mustache on his face and a white streak in his hair. The man had a worried look on his face, though his eyes conveyed a vague crazed look.

"Yeah, sure," Virgil said. He was about to walk away when the taller man grabbed his arm.

"Come with me, I'll help clean you up," Virgil was honestly to tired to argue, so instead he merely followed.

"Roman! I think I found you a new model! A little bruised up but I think he'll be ok soon enough!" Virgil had stopped listening after 'model'.

"Wait wait wait wait wait- I am definitely not a model-" Virgil tried to shrink in on himself.

"Well of course you arent yet! Oh Remus you life saver look at him! He's brilliant!" A boy who looked similar to the one with the mustache rushed out from behind a pillar, planting a kiss on the receptionists cheek as he ran.

Remus smiled, "I'll go get some ice packs and bandages, you two can talk," he said, running off.

"Roman Prince-Duke, head of Rome Fashion Company," Roman said, holding a hand out.

"Virgil Blanche, head of confused and worried emotions company," Virgil said, Roman let out a laugh.

"So what happened? If you're comfortable sharing that is," Roman said, gesturing to Virgil's face.

"Girl got her boyfriend to attack me at work for the sake of coupons," Virgil said, shrugging.

"Oh dear. . ." Roman said, his face falling slightly.

A few minutes later Virgil was sitting on a bench with ice pressed against his face and Roman listening intently as the receptionist told him what he should do.

"Gods Lolo you're so cute when you're being smart," Roman said, smiling and leaning his elbow on his knee, head pressed against his hand. The receptionist's face flushed with color.

Virgil honestly wasn't sure how calling him a model wasn't a joke, yet here he was sitting in the lobby waiting for Roman.

"Alright Virgil! Let's get you ready for your first shoot shall we?" Roman brought Virgil up by the hand, spinning him slightly before guiding him to another room.

"Lucky for you we have plenty of outfits in your size," Roman said.

"Mention my height and the fabric scissors might find their way up your nose," Virgil growled. Being 4'8 never exactly helped his case, he didn't normally get aggressive easily but it was a bit touchy for him.

"Oh dont worry, I learned my lesson with Lo on our first date," Roman said.

An hour or so later Virgil was dressed in a purple sleeveless top with black lace along the neckline, a black corset, ruffled black skirts, and black boots with heels. It felt, nice, and Virgil wasnt sure why. Normally he hated the way he looked in everything, but for once in his life he felt like royalty.

"Remy! I've got a new model for you!" Roman said as they entered another room with all manner of different sets and cameras set up.

A man with a leather jacket and sunglasses popped out from behind one, jaw dropping slightly "Roman you SAINT! Where'd you find him?!" Remy said, circling Virgil and looking him up and down.

"That credit goes to Remus, speaking of which, I've got business to attend to, you boys have fun," Roman said, turning on his heel to leave, the nearly floor length skirt of his outfit sweeping behind him.

"Alright babes you look like you're about to pass out right now so let's take a little break m'kay?" Remy walked with Virgil to a room that seemed primarily composed of bean bags.

They sat there for a while, Remy asking him questions and telling him his own stories. Before suddenly he got up and held a hand out for him. Virgil took it and allowed himself to be lead to a set covered in giant mushrooms and flowers. Remy spent a few minutes posting him, bringing out a few props for him to prop his arms on.

"Now just relax and give me a smile, you look like you're good at subtle, let's try some of those first," said Remy from behind the camera.

Virgil started out the shoot wishing it would be over already, but by the end he couldnt seem to stop looking at his own reflection in the camera lens.

"Oh Jan's going to lose it when he sees these!" Roman said, looking through the pictures from his phone.

"Who's Jan?-" Virgil said, tilting his head slightly.

"Oh you probably know him as Dimitri, he's a rival of mine," Roman handed Virgil a magazine, one scan of the front cover and Virgil recognized the man from a week ago, he was wearing the same hat and scarf as before. He read the caption above it. "Dimitri Gabriel to release new line inspired by endangered reptile species, all proceeds to go to preservation funding, no real scales used," he handed the article back to Roman.

"I've seen that guy, he was returning something the day I got fired," Virgil said.

"Oh even better! He'll recognize you!" Said Roman.

"Wait where are these even going?" Virgil said.

"My stylegram, you dont seem like the type who likes runways, so Remus and I have decided you'll be a social media model," Roman said.

"Well- guess I better make my own account then," Virgil said, pulling out his own phone.

It was only a few minutes before the comments flooded in, he recognized Janus' face, though his handle still conveyed his name as Dimitri. His face flushed red at the compliments. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but the feeling that Janus was impressed by his looks gave him an intense sensation of joy.

----------------------------------------------

Tag List:

@nerosdayinhell

@official-lucifers-child

@meowthefluffy

@spooky-scary-virgil

@misunderstoodshadowling

@youtuberswithalex

[romancandlemagazine]

An Interview with Alexander Wolfe, the man behind Pedestrian Magazine

Pedestrian is a magazine about the humble art of walking. In this interview, I talked with the man with the plan, Alexander Wolfe, about his love for this much maligned form of transport, his recent expedition from New York to Philadelphia, and the art of conversation.

First off, you recently walked from New York City to Philadelphia over nine days. What made you want to do that?

The initial desire to walk to Philadelphia came out living in New York City during the pandemic. I was bound to my apartment for a few months with little to do but walk around my neighborhood. I've always had a habit of walking around the city, but the pandemic only made these walks longer and longer, which eventually led to a 23 mile journey from my apartment in Brooklyn, to the Bronx, and back.

Around that time I was reading The Roads to Sata by Alan Booth and started contemplating longer, multi-day walks. I needed a change of scenery and found the idea of traveling by foot and living out of a bag very appealing. I felt like I'd developed a process here in the city (go on a walk, take photos, write a newsletter about the walk, repeat) and needed to give myself a challenge.  I wanted to lean further into this practice that I've been developing for the last three years.

I'd never considered my walks to be hikes, so it made sense that I'd keep it in an urban setting. Walking to Philadelphia seemed like a no-brainer. What most people don't initially realize is that most of my time was spent walking through New Jersey. I liked the idea of walking in a place that is commonly misrepresented as the "armpit of America" and typically deemed unwalkable. New Jersey is actually a very underrated state. It might be the densest state population-wise, but it's called the Garden State for a reason. Oh yeah, I'd never been to Philadelphia and just really wanted to visit.

How did the walk go? Quite often trips or excursions can be a fair bit different to how you first imagine them… how did the reality of the walk differ from how you thought it was going to be?

I was presented with a new challenge every day. Don't get me wrong, the walk turned out better than I could have ever imagined, but you can never anticipate everything in advance. This was the first time I'd ever walked with a 25 pound bag on my back, let alone the first time I'd walked 9 days in a row. Originally I set out to average 17.75 miles per day, but thanks to my own curiosity, ended up waking 20 miles a day on average. I mapped the entire route a month or two before leaving, but would always deviate from the path in favor of exploring some neighborhood, road, or park that looked appealing. The first day alone ballooned into 27 miles because I got cocky and thought I didn't need to use my map while walking in Manhattan. I learned my lesson and kept my eyes on the map for the rest of the trip.

Another thing I didn't expect was the sensitivity one develops after walking 6-8 hours for days in a row. The smell of exhaust and gasoline becomes more potent. You realize how violently we've shaped the land to build huge highways and abysmal business parks. So much of our infrastructure is built in favor of the car, which makes being a pedestrian incredibly difficult at times. If the built environment didn't present a challenge, it was always the weather, the gnarly blisters on my feet, or my gear malfunctioning. I quickly learned to accept these challenges. It was just another component of the walk.

A lot of times people go for ‘a walk’, they’re seeking out beauty spots or nice scenery—maybe in nature reserves or the countryside, but your walk was cutting through some fairly overlooked places… industrial estates and small towns. Do people miss out by not seeing the whole picture of somewhere? Is just driving through these places to get to the destination sort of cheating?

I wouldn't consider driving to be cheating – it's just another way we alienate ourselves from the world around us. When we drive, we experience the world at a speed that makes it nearly impossible to pay attention to the fine details. Our relationship to place is abstracted, especially thanks to the rise of GPS. We no longer have to have a physical relationship to these towns. We don't even have to remember how to get to them. Driving around in a car reduces these places to nothing more than a label on a map or a convenient place to stop for gas.

It's important to have relationships with the places surrounding you. The walk has given me an intimate experience with the space between New York City and Philadelphia. I know what it looks like, I know how it feels to be there. I can tell you where residents stop hanging New York Yankees flags in favor of Philadelphia Phillies flags. If I'm watching the Soprano's and Tony references Metuchen, NJ then I know exactly what he's talking about. I think to understand a place, such as New York City, it's just as important to understand the places around it. There are generations of people who once called the Big Apple home, but decided to plant their roots in Jersey for one reason or another.

I suppose you could have read about some of these places on Wikipedia, but being there is a completely different thing. Is experiencing stuff first hand important?

It's very important if you actually want to understand a place. It's too easy to create our own narratives without ever visiting a place. I still tried to do my share of research before heading out. I have friends from North Jersey or the Philadelphia Metro and tried to take their opinions with a grain of salt. I spent some time reading about certain towns along the way on Wikipedia or scanned Reddit to get a vibe. I even previewed chunks of the walk on Google Street View to mentally prepare and know if it was actually safe to walk near some of these roads. I could have spent months preparing, but it never would actually replace walking in these small towns and cities. It's so much different when you're on the ground.

I suppose the main reason we’re talking is that you make a magazine based around the idea of walking. How long have you been making Pedestrian? What started it off?

I released the first issue of Pedestrian back in March of 2018. I was living in Ridgewood, Queens at the time and made friends with a guy named Curtis Merkel (I actually met him while out on a walk). He ran a moving business for a few decades and retired. At 84 years old he opened up a tiny little bookshop to keep himself busy. I'd visit him every weekend to check out his books and eventually we'd just get to talking. He'd lived in Ridgewood his entire life and loved to talk about the neighborhood's history. Moving to NYC also introduced me to a thriving community of zine makers. I wanted to share these conversations I'd had with Curtis in print form, so I decided to start a magazine. I invited a few friends to contribute and the rest was history.

Since then, the identity of Pedestrian has become quite fluid. While it started as a magazine, I would now describe Pedestrian as my own practice. It's a platform that allows me to collaborate with others, produce magazines, write newsletters, go on these long multi-day walks, and produce t-shirts. I have found this configuration gives me the most creative freedom.

A lot of your magazine is about meeting people and striking up conversations. Is this a lost art these days?

I don't know if it's a lost art per se, but there's less incentive to reach out and talk with strangers these days. Thanks to the rise of social media it's just getting easier and easier to stay within our own "bubbles." Starting Pedestrian, in a way, was an excuse for me to speak with those I typically wouldn't reach. It's amazing how having a publication kind of takes the fear out of speaking with strangers. You can do anything when you have intention.

Although walking is something most people do, is it overlooked as an activity? It seems it’s mostly seen as an inconvenience, rather than a hobby in itself.

It depends where you live. In New York City, for example, walking is a part of the culture. The city is built in such a way that makes walking a viable means of transportation. And if you can't walk to your destination, you're likely walking to a subway or a bus. Where I'm from in Iowa, walking is very inconvenient. Everything is spaced out, which makes walking anywhere very difficult. It’s not that people don’t want to walk, it’s just the way we’ve built certain communities has made it very hard to enjoy. It makes people think walking is very inconvenient.

I’m here in Iowa until August and it’s been interesting to walk a place that is so reliant on cars. The other day I did a 13.5 walk around the city. There’s nothing here stopping you from walking (unless the heat gets you. Technically we’re in the middle of a drought. It’s been incredibly hot as of late), and there’s plenty of sidewalk. I think it’s mostly just a mindset people have to develop. It doesn’t matter how many miles you walk, it’s just about getting out there. Your mental health will thank you and you might even learn something new about your surroundings along the way.

Walking is maybe the antithesis to the internet, but Pedestrian also has a decent presence on the World Wide Web, and you regularly send newsletters and... er... partake in the digital world. How do you balance the real world with the matrix?

It’s a relationship I’m constantly reevaluating. I’m not a master of balancing the two yet, but I’m slowly building habits that will protect my time. I often daydream of abandoning social media altogether and picking up a flip phone. I obviously haven’t done that yet, so in the meantime, I’m investing a lot of time in my newsletter. Sending out a newsletter is a much more thoughtful, intimate, and slow experience...kind of like the way I approach my walks out in the world. I understand that the web is a tool and I’m not sure the Philly walk would have gotten the same amount of attention had I not had an Instagram account. It’s cliche, but everything in moderation, right? I try not to take it so seriously.

What next for Pedestrian?

The Philly walk was such a great success and I’d like to keep that momentum going. Later in September I have another big, big walk planned, but I have yet to announce the route. Look for an announcement sometime next month. This one will be a bit longer and involve 3 different cities. I can’t wait.

Once winter hits I’m going to buckle down and produce a proper book for the Philly walk that will include all my writing and photos I took along the journey. I’m already excited to share the finished product with the world. Stay tuned.

Final question, what are your walking shoes of choice? And what's your soundtrack? Are earphones advised for long walks, or do you prefer the ambient sounds of the streets?

I’m a big fan of Hoka Clifton’s. I wore them throughout the entire Philly walk and have two pairs in my closet. At this point, Hoka should probably pay me for how much business I send their way. I’m always recommending them.

I prefer not to wear headphones and just listen to the ambient sounds of the street. More often than not, I find wearing headphones to be a bit distracting and it takes me out of the present moment. Although, I’ll admit I have been trying to introduce music into my walking once again, but few tracks make the cut. Lately Andrew Wasylyk’s Last Sunbeams of Childhood has been on repeat. There’s something about that track...

Find out more about Pedestrian here. Pedestrian is available in the UK courtesy of Central Library.

[calypsoff]

Sixty Four.

“Rihanna, hello!? Are you with us” I blinked looking around me and then looking at the laptop ���yeah” I laughed to myself, I zoned out to a place where I wasn’t married or pregnant, the way I would get him back for this in so many ways “I am here, carry on. So” I stifled out a yawn “sorry, so the Puma event will be in California for me? That is sweet thank you, I know it was going to be in London but moving it for me is sweet” I am tired as hell “yes, so as we was saying the event is pretty much after your husband’” I rolled my eyes, do I even have one “yeah, ok that is fine. I am excited, sad that I couldn’t be in the promo video. I just didn’t expect to be growing this big” I laughed “funny when this shit sells because of me, I don’t even think my foot would fit in any of the shoes at this moment” I sighed out “anyways, I am fine with that. I will do everything I can, I will be posting soon with the slides on so I will start rolling that out” I explained “Yeah, that is fine. So onto other things” Jay Brown smiled at me, it wasn’t a smile that I want. It’s that he knows I don’t want to speak on it “cheating rumours, what is happening. Your publicist is in the Zoom meeting, so let’s speak on it” Jay Brown sat back in the chair “we need to speak on something that is plastered on many avenues even though you have been quiet about it, he is where? In Canada and you are in Mexico. What is happening” looking over at Mel “it’s a little bit of a misunderstanding but I rather be quiet on it, I haven’t exactly spoken to Chris like that. So no comment really, I don’t want to speak on it when I don’t know what to say. I know my husband hasn’t cheated on me, that is it” silence from the call and this place is driving me crazy “so can you actually speak to him, he’s doing a lot of damage. We are building him up alongside you, if he is putting my client down Robyn then something needs to be done about it” nodding my head “when I speak to him I will, I need to go. Bye everyone” I knew that part would come on “ASAP Rihanna, we need you to do that” getting up from the chair, closing my laptop.

Sitting down outside on the chair, this weather is the only thing that is making me happy. Just sun, sea and breeze “are you ok? You knew they was going to ask; everyone is asking. I know you’re sick of people asking but I would ask, just like you snapped with your mother, but they are just asking, they don’t understand when you say he isn’t when the blogs have really manipulated the situation” Mel sat down across from me “he texts me, he won’t call because he knows I am pissed. How can he do so much in these two days, he has me Rihanna looking at his Instagram like I am nothing. I don’t want to be nasty to him, I don’t but it’s getting there. He hasn’t checked on me, I want to get him back, I want him to know pain. He doesn’t know where I am or what I am doing. We are flying back to Cali; you are coming with me to my scan. I bought the date forward. I said I am busy, I will find out the sex of my baby without him there, we will come back to Mexico. I have to get him back; I have to do it. I have worked so hard for him; I don’t get it. I am never enough for a man?” Mel held my hand “that is untrue, I think he is in the moment. He’s having fun but the fun is no good, I believe in Chris. I know his intentions aren’t what the public see, the girls are making it that way. But I am excited to come with you, you my wife” I smiled at Mel “I was daydreaming if I wasn’t married or pregnant, I would have got him back publicly to shame him, but he is my husband, and I don’t want that. So” I breathed out “I am doing that, I know he said he is coming back Monday night, night? You hear that? Such an asshole, not even morning. But we will be back here, he will feel how I felt, and I put that on my momma. I am not going to lash out, but he will feel it” I slammed my hand on the table, I am sick.

Mel and I are funny together, we have a burner account to be nosey and to mingle with my fans. My fans want me to divorce, I get it. Outside looking in this looks bad, it looks like he is openly just doing that, but I know he isn’t, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, they are writing thesis about my wellbeing, how I am a single mother already. They are very hard headed my fans “juicy, so someone asked who is this chick? I don’t get it why is everyone on her ass, this fan page put India Love has been with Drake and has been staying at his house for a week now, looks like he has passed him onto that bastard husband of hers, fave can do better. She has been around, I mean are we shocked” shaking my head “I didn’t even know girl until now, is he being blind to the mess. Like I am deep in it and he is in that OVO compound just doing what? I mean come on, are you really being this ignorant” speaking of him, he calls when I just want to slap that face of his “what?” I answered, “I call and all you keep saying it what?” placing my phone on loud speaker “are you being ignorant Chris? I know how much of an asshole you can be, are being ignorant?” I need to know, he is just being sly with everything “those blogs can suck my dick and if you believe that then you dumb as them” shaking my head “right, Chris you are very new to this. Trust me, you are very fucking deluded right now. So you didn’t repost anything on your page?” I just can’t help myself; I am not getting real answers by being quiet “I have no idea, I was drunk. I didn’t see anything on my page” Mel’ mouth fell open “so all those screenshots were just lies Breezy huh? You know what, bye get the fuck off my line nigga” disconnecting the call “no way, he has been caught out, he knows he has made a mess. Oh my god” he is digging and digging “if I knew he wanted fun then I wouldn’t have married him, he asked” I sniffled “anyways, I just. I need to get on hateful mode, tomorrow we are going to the hospital and coming back” flicking the tear away, Chris tried calling me again, but I put it down, he can go and have his fun because he will have no choice but to be coming home to me soon.

I somehow feel upset that Chris is not here, I feel the sadness in me but he needs to feel how I feel and he will, I look so stupid publicly and social media is the devil for him, I feel for him because that India chick is running, I was going to comment but I stopped myself because then it looks like there is issues, I didn’t know he followed her either. Not even recent either, he been following her which to me I didn’t think like that. But the recent picture of Chris I seen and I know his face, I think it’s hitting him now. He isn’t smiling but yet manages to take pictures, he needs to know that India chick is not a friend, she is dragging him down. I assume he is thinking they are just friends, and he is being kind. I know him, I know what he is like, but he is playing dumb, he is really doing it “Mrs Fenty-Brown” looking up as the nurse “hi” getting up from my seat “hello, nice to see you again. You look so well, follow me” smiling at the nurse as I followed her to the room, Mel wasn’t sure about doing this and was like maybe this will break him but he has the world questioning my intentions of marrying him, I can do better but I can’t because I love him, I do love him and to me he is perfect but he is causing so much shit and then when he played a stupid card about being drunk, I don’t care. I rather find out the sex of the baby with Mel “hi Robyn, welcome” Audrey waved me in, walking into the room “nice seeing you” hugging Audrey “likewise, and who is this?” she pointed at Mel “she is my best friend Mel, Chris is busy” Audrey shook her hand “please come in” sitting down on the chair “I always said I had time for you did I not, I guess you have a busy schedule” nodding my head “I do so that is why I had to change it, but thank you for fitting me in” it was nice of her.

Audrey wasn’t wrong when she said that this scan is long as hell, she hasn’t said anything to me so I can imagine that things are ok with the baby but she is still measuring things and checking for any abnormalities, I have been very quiet since laying down with Mel holding my hand but I am just missing him and he should have been here really, this is what sucks but he has shamed me enough publicly, and making me look stupid “did I ever tell you that on Chris’ and I honeymoon that this guy called captain, I never said anything about being pregnant, that was when I was hiding that fact, so nobody really knew. He randomly told me that I am having a daughter, out of nowhere said I am having a girl. And I was so taken aback that he said that. I questioned how he knew, he said he sees the future and that I have four children but he is not sure about the forth, I am like what the fuck” Mel’ eyed bulged out “if he is correct I am going to him, he can tell me where the fuck I am going wrong” I laughed “likewise, that is if he is right” Audrey added that to the end, she isn’t giving anything away “he also said that we have a beautiful marriage and there isn’t anything we can’t take, things will be bumpy so yeah” I shrugged “I am being deadass Robbie, if he is right. I am going to Jamaica and seeing him” I chuckled “you ain’t going to wait for anything huh” shaking my head laughing “nope, Audrey tell us please” Mel is rushing her.

Audrey has been quiet and that scares me “why are you quiet?” I asked, she spoke more last time “I am doing a report on baby, there is a lot I have to write. No news is good news, if I started speaking and telling you then I was leading up to bad news. So are we ready to see baby, I can tell you the baby is so healthy, very active in the stomach. You heard the heartbeat right, but shall we see?” nodding my head “I can’t wait, I want to see my baby” I shrieked “I always felt like yes I am pregnant but it was a tiny little thing and I have been reading up on it and now they take form so I am so excited” Audrey smiled “that is right so if you would like to look at the screen in front of you, and now it’s in a weird position, let’s see if the baby moves while we do this” the screen came on and I pulled a face “this is the baby feet” she laughed “awww, showing the feet off, how adorable. Oh wait, I see a penis” Mel said, squinting my eyes “I am joking” hitting her arm “lying bitch” she is annoying “do you know hundred percent what the baby gender is?” I questioned “I can say one hundred percent I know what it is. Do you want to know?” looking over at Mel and guilt just came over me but then why should I wait “oh my god look at the baby moving Robyn, this one doesn’t actually be still” I swallowed hard “tell me, I want to know” staring at the screen seeing my baby “if you can see here, she just put her thumb in her mouth” poking my bottom lip out “wait” it just hit me “we have a mini Rihanna with the way she moves” placing my hand over my mouth “it’s a girl?” Audrey nodded her head “It’s a girl, congratulations” I sobbed out loudly, I was louder then I should have been but I am feeling so hurt about everything and now I am having daughter.

I feel so embarrassed that I cried the way I did, I wanted to run out of the place after that “mess” I said to myself “don’t say that, I am happy. So fucking happy, a whole niece. And I think she has your nose; I swear she does. Just look at the polaroid” shaking my head “you think I did wrong?” I asked Mel “erm, only you know your own pain Robyn. I think what makes it worse the headlines, it’s making the whole thing worse. Only you know the hurt he will feel but I mean, he has the world thinking the marriage is sham too, it’s a hard situation” looking out of the SUV window “I just wanted him to tell me before, I wanted him to keep in contact. It stemmed from that, that was the downfall. He is showing out, I get it but he needs to come back to who he is, he is not like them. Money can change a person, it can, and I don’t see that with Chris, but you end being that way because you have to show off to make it. I don’t ever expect him to not be around females, I don’t. But there are classy women and classless. Those girls that are there are there for one thing, I fully expected women to be there, I did but I just you know. I didn’t think Chris would be laughing and joking that way with them, he is flirty with his niceness and then when he reposted that and deleted it and his reaction to it, I have work on my hands. His ego is getting in the way, one of us are going to break and I hope it is him because if I do then my point isn’t going to get to him” I spoke to myself really, Mel will be just listening “my daughter will never go through what I went through, she will have a home and a loving home. She won’t go through that, she won’t and so help me god I won’t allow that, she will be loved by her dad, and she will get that” wiping my tears “she will get that Mel, my daughter will. Anyways, back to Mexico I need to sleep. I am tired” this is a mess.

Drake’ crib is the best thing I have ever seen in my life, the place is amazing, and I appreciate that he even allowed me into his home and let me just relax with the homies, I have had the best time here “back to sunny Cali now” Drake made his way over to me with his hands stuffed in his pockets “yes, I think it’s time. I think a nigga is in trouble, so you know” he got his hand out “I don’t pay attention to the blogs, you know what is in your heart so who cares” dapping him “true but thank you. Also they think I am a rapper now” Drake laughed out “album soon come, but we will see each other soon. Birthday next” I took in a deep breath “I think I am going to be in trouble bad, there won’t be one for me” Drake is laughing but I am being dead ass “this is why I don’t do marriage; I am young, and I need to evaluate myself. I need to test and taste the world yet but you’re an exception you had to wife Rihanna up, that was a must because it’s Rihanna but marriage for me, you did it anyways, but I wouldn’t pay attention to what the blogs say, you know your heart” he has a point “Breezy leaving us that quick, he barely arrived” Drake turned around to India “he has priorities now, you could both catch a flight together. I am joking but he’s going, link up soon. Tell riri it was nothing, it was just a little get together” picking up my duffle “be quiet nigga, anyways I am out. Indian, peace. Nice meeting you love” waving her off “until we meet again” I laughed out, that won’t be happening for a while “sure” I said as I continued to walk off.

I have not managed to look through social media like that, I have been peeping here and there but from what I know, from what TJ has been saying it’s not good and now I have to face the music of Robyn which I did nothing wrong, she is acting like I had an orgy which yes there could have been a thing but no, I am faithful to Robyn, she is my wife and I love her, but I enjoyed myself so much. I have never laughed so much in my life, just good vibes. Good booze, good weed, good vibes all around. It’s just amazing but now I am here, and I am dreading it, Robyn did not see the IndiaLove repost, I did it in a drunken manner in the middle of the night and I deleted, she sleeps early. It’s all hearsay on what happened and she is reading into that “thank you” picking my duffle back from the backseat as I got out of the Uber, I don’t know about that SUV shit, I don’t’ know how to be booking that shit when Robyn be telling about it. Drake only allowed phones in the oarty, that is why there is only pictures of that floating around, there was plenty of other shit in that, it’s all bullshit but I am just going to have to listen to Robyn go on about it, throw me out of the bedroom and deal with that, she is going to be dramatic.

I huffed out, I came back at night because she will be asleep and looks like she is. It’s quiet as hell but none of the lights are on, let me go upstairs and say hi to her that I am back because I want her to know that I did come back. Walking up the steps, looking down at my phone laughing at Drake’ text about have a I been kicked out yet, TJ said the same thing what is wrong with these niggas. Making my way to the bedroom, I don’t want to argue with Robyn this is why I will let her speak on how she feels first before I even say anything, yes I get it women were there. But nothing happened, pushing open the bedroom door and it’s just dark. No light on, I pulled a face. Not like Robyn at all, reaching over and putting the light on seeing the empty bed “Robyn?” looking around the bedroom, she can’t be in the bathroom because the light is off there too. Walking into the room more confused, slowly placing my bag on the bed looking around and then seeing my clothes on the floor, a trail actually. I swallowed hard; did something break into the home. Putting the light on in the walk in closet and my clothes are on the floor “fuck” where has she gone, getting my phone out of my pocket panicking on where she has gone.

Staring at Mel, Chris is on the phone to Mel because I have ignored his calls, so he called Mel “how do you not know where she is Chris? I don’t know where she is” Mel lied, I wonder how far is he going to go “I will try for you, ok bye” Mel disconnected the call “he is panicking sis, like when I said I don’t know she is supposed to be home he said I should know, like hell I should” my phone started ringing again “he is going to call me again, so he says because I am going to find out for him. He didn’t say why he just says she’s not home. Where is she, she should be home. What if someone has kidnapped her” rolling my eyes “now he cares, he hasn’t bothered since being in Canada but now he’s trying to move mountains. If he calls again I will pick up but honestly I should make him suffer for how he has done me, I just knew this whole trip would have been bad vibes because of the way he told me, I don’t want him to be Rihanna’ husband, I want him to have his own name but in the right way, anyways. I think it’s time I post” I smiled “oh yes, Melissa photography!” I grinned “let see how he feels when you post on Instagram and you don’t pick up, I am not saying about who took it though” looking down at my phone “I don’t mind” Mel said, she took a beautiful pictures of me with the sunsetting in the background. A side view of me, one hand just under my bump and the other arm just over my boobs. Bitch I was naked and what but it’s just a side view and it’s a nice ass picture, I smiled to myself adding a caption ‘Peace’ I wanted to keep it short, I did want to put just the two of us but it’s sparking drama so that is simple “that is now posted” I giggled to myself “it’s a beautiful picture, a black queen is going to give birth to a black queen and I love that for you” I am excited to know I am having a daughter.

That picture wasn’t even up for a second, he is calling me already, so the nigga has my notifications on clearly “that was quick, you know he is panicking” Mel is right he is, answering the call “yes?” I answered “I have been calling you! Least ten times now, what the fuck!” he shouted, “lower your tone, what is it?” oh the nigga is panicking, he is shouting so he has lost senses now “where are you!? Why is my clothes on the floor, where did you go without me knowing, are you serious? I thought someone took you, I panicked” he said out of breath “ok” I don’t care “ok? Robyn, I was scared. Where are you? I expected you home, this is stupid. And you posted a naked pictures, I told you about the body thing” I knew he would say that “so nigga?” I said, he is acting like I care “I get it, you’re angry with me but where are you. Come home” I sniggered “I am in Mexico” the line went silent “for what?” he said, his voice is less panicky now “I don’t know, last minute thing. You know how that goes” he did that to me “I will come to you, you went there alone!?” staring at Mel “yes” I lied, I think I will tell Mel to go because she doesn’t need to be involved in any of this “right, I will come there to you, like now” he can come I don’t care “make sure my house is clean before you think of leaving that house, I want the bed made, clothes picked and the washing done. And the floor needs cleaning Breezy” disconnecting the call “Mel you will need to go, he wants to come here. I don’t want you involved in any of it, neither of us can look to you for help. This is between me and him, he better clean that shit up” placing my phone on the table.

[storiesforallfandoms]

fixed ~ machine gun kelly

part one

word count: 1893

request?: technically yes

description: after months of trying to prove himself to her, colson decides to do the ultimate gesture to prove his love for her

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist

Months passed and Colson and I began dating again. It wasn’t my intention to let him back in that fast, I was going to make him work for it. But after being together for five years, Colson knew more about me than I even knew about myself, meaning he knew how to win me over very quickly.

Although we decided to resume our relationship, I still didn’t completely trust Colson yet. Every time he talked about having to leave for tour I cringed, whenever he went out with friends I got paranoid about who he was with, and whenever he posted pictures on Instagram or sent out tweets I was always scoping out to see who was commenting and liking (specifically, if Sommer was commenting and liking).

I tried to keep all this hidden at first as I didn’t want Colson thinking I was being clingy or anything, but then I realized I had every right to be acting this way. He didn’t give me any reason to trust him, not after he cheated on me with a girl he was constantly telling me he didn’t care about. So I decided to confront him about it.

“Do you still talk to Sommer?” I asked one day while we were cuddling on the couch.

Colson shook his head. “Nope, haven’t heard from her in months. Last I heard from the guys, she went back to her boyfriend and everything is all fine between them.”

I cringed to myself, although I wasn’t exactly one to talk considering I was back together with Colson. I wondered if Sommer’s boyfriend even knew that she cheated on him. The pictures the paparazzi had taken managed to hide her face, it could’ve been easy for her to play it off as if it wasn’t her.

I tried to stop thinking about it. Thinking about her was going to make me so angry when I really didn’t have to.

“Why?” Colson asked, moving so he could look down at me.

I shook my head. “It’s nothing, sorry I asked.”

“No seriously, tell me.”

I sighed heavily and sat up. Colson propped himself up against the arm rest to look at me. I couldn’t face him as I began to explain. “Part of me is still just...paranoid I guess. Whenever I see that you’ve posted something I keep looking at it expecting to see her in the comments, or on Twitter. And I feel bad about it but at the same time you gotta understand that you still haven’t completely won my trust back yet, especially when I really don’t know if you are still talking to Sommer, or if she’s still trying to interact with you despite everything that’s happened.”

I let my words hang in the air for a minute. Colson’s face was unreadable. Part of me was wondering if this would result in a fight, and if it did what should my reaction have been? I wasn’t going to feel sorry for not completely trusting him just yet. It had only been a few months, trust isn’t rebuilt that fast. If he was angry because of that, maybe it would be best to breakup. But at the same time, I did feel like a prying, untrusting girlfriend, even if I did have a reason to be that way. I felt conflicted, and the longer the silence lasted, the more my heart raced with worry and nervousness.

Colson held his arms out to me. Confused, I leaned into his embrace. He turned me around so I was sitting with my back against his chest as he grabbed his phone from the coffee table in front of us. He went to his contacts first, scrolling till his found Sommer’s name. My eyes widened in shock as he not only deleted her number, but blocked it from his phone as well. He went on to delete their text conversations (the last of which being from the day after the incident, where he told Sommer it would never happen again and Sommer left him on read), and to unfollow and block her on all forms of social media.

“There,” he said, placing his phone back on the table once he was finished. “Let’s see her trying to reach me after that.”

I looked at him in shock. I wasn’t sure what to expect to happen, but it certainly wasn’t for him to do that.

“I love you more than anything, (Y/N),” he told me. “Honestly, I’d block every slutty groupie that tries to slide into my DMs if I could, but that would take me hours. Although I can’t do that, I hope this small act of blocking Sommer will show you that I’m serious about our relationship. I don’t want to risk losing you again, and I will never do anything to risk that ever again.”

I lunged into Colson’s arms the minute the last word was out of his mouth, knocking the air out of him and causing him to start laughing. He wrapped his arms around me and I kissed him deeply and passionately.

Okay, maybe the trust was beginning to be rebuilt just a little.

~~~~~~

A few days later, I came home after work to find all the nights off in our house, with the exception of a glowing light coming from the kitchen.

“Colson?” I called as I approached the kitchen slowly.

The kitchen was set up with a handful of candles placed around on the counters and one in the middle of our dinner table, which had two places set across from one another. Colson was leaning against the table, wearing a pair of jeans and his nicest dress shirt. He smiled at me as I walked in.

“Welcome home, baby,” he said, crossing the room to give me a hug and kiss.

“What is all this?” I asked, motioning towards the table.

“I decided I wanted to set up a stay at home date night for us,” he explained. “You know I’m an awful cook, so I hope you don’t mind that I ordered some delivery instead. I even bought you a new dress to wear, too.”

I looked up at him with slight suspicion, but I definitely was not about to pass up a beautiful dinner date and a new dress.

I raced upstairs to our shared bedroom, where I found a beautiful black dress waiting for me. It came down to my knees and hugged me in a way that showed off my every curve and my cleavage, which I’m sure was Colson’s goal when he bought it. Still, I wasn’t about to complain. It was gorgeous. Usually, I would do my hair and makeup for a date with Colson, but since we were going to be staying home I decided to just take my hair out of its ponytail and leave it however it decided to fall, and went back downstairs with my neutral work makeup still on.

Like a gentlemen, Colson held my seat out for me and pushed it in as I sat down. He poured the both of us glasses of red wine and took his seat across from me.

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?” I teased. “I don’t think you’ve been this romantic in our entire five years of dating.”

“I totally have!” he argued. “Our first date I took you to a fancy restaurant.”

“You tried to take me to a fancy restaurant. But then you realized you needed a reservation, and you didn’t have one, so we ended up going to a local diner or something.”

“You loved and still do love that diner, don’t even try to say you don’t.”

“Yeah you’re right, I do. It’s better than most fancy restaurants.”

“I’ll cheers to that.” I laughed as Colson tapped his wine glass against mine. “I just wanted to plan a nice, surprise dinner date for us. I may or may not have googled the idea, though, so you have caught me at being an awful romantic.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is hopeless, because you’re not awful. I love it, thank you baby.”

The date went perfectly. The food Colson ordered was delicious and we spent hours just talking and drinking the wine until the bottle was empty and I was starting to feel as though I had definitely drank at least half a bottle of wine.

Colson cleared away the dishes, absolutely refusing to let me do anything to help, so I just sat and waited to see what he had up his sleeve next. With the kitchen so dim besides the candles, I could only faintly see him as he walked in and put the dishes into the sink. He paused there a moment, and I figured I was about to be have another surprise, and I was right, but I could never expect this surprise.

Colson returned from the kitchen with a nervous look on his face. I looked up at him in concern and opened my mouth to ask what was going on, but my question quickly faded into a gasp when he lowered himself onto one knee and produced a ring from behind his back.

"I know the timing of this...probably could not be any worse,” he started. “I know we’re still in the process of fixing our relationship, so I understand if you say no, but I wanted to even just ask to see what you might say. (Y/N), I love you so much. I have since we first met. These past five years have been the best of my life. I couldn’t be happier with anyone else. I had planned to do this when I got back from tour, but of course I managed to royally fuck up our relationship before that. I can’t picture a future that doesn’t have you in it, whether it’s as my wife or even just as my girlfriend. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. (Y/N), will you marry me?”

Tears started to form in my eyes, and I was definitely very glad I decided not to do my makeup.

My words were caught in my throat and I couldn't get them out. I could see the concern growing on Colson’s face the longer I stayed silent. Finally, I managed to control my head enough to nod and a smile so bright that I was sure it could light up the room brighter than the candles broke across Colson’s face.

“Yes?” he asked.

I nodded and finally managed to get the words out. “Yes, Colson. Yes, oh my God yes, I’ll marry you!”

He lifted me from the chair and held me in his arms, kissing me so passionately that my head was beginning to spin, or maybe that was from the excitement of being engaged, and also the wine.

“Can I have the ring?” I asked when we finally managed to pull apart from one another.

“Oh yeah, yes. Here.”

He took my left hand and slid the ring onto my ring finger. It was gorgeous, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it until I looked up at Colson and attached my lips to his again.

“I love you so much,” I said.

“I love you too, (Y/N).”

[eightysixed]

happier than ever

You call me again, drunk in your Benz Drivin' home under the influence You scared me to death, but I'm wastin' my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fuckin' friends I don't relate to you I don't relate to you, no 'Cause I'd never treat me this shitty You made me hate this city

words: 3.2k plot: emma and tomo’s relationship, in a nutshell. trigger warnings: abuse, assault, drugs, cheating, violence, blood, suicidal ideation, nsfw

Five years is a lifetime when you’ve just begun your twenties. It’s half a decade of years so formative and important that you don’t really realize their importance until they have flown past.

Emma spent those years with Tomo.

[ SEPTEMBER 2014 ]

A twenty-one year old goes to an Outkast concert. She gets propositioned by a guy. Rough, pushy, handsy, it’s enough to make her feel suffocated, plan paths of escape or desperately look for a face in the crowd that could intervene. Then he comes in with his buddies and they all but rescue her. How ironic Emma thinks, years later. What a Disney-ified, damsel in distress moment to have and to meet by.

They spend the rest of the concert together, follow it up with an after hours at Los Coyotes, wolfing down soft shells in between food-spitting laughter. Emma, Tomo, and his two buddies. The energy is infectious, and she doesn’t want to say goodbye at the end of the night. It’s a feeling she has never felt before; those sparks in his eyes that are in hers too, the way he grounds and floors her. They exchange numbers and Emma’s face lights up as she’s getting off her Muni owl: it’s a text from him.

It doesn’t take long for his contact name to acquire an Emoji heart next to it, the girl who ridiculed these kinds of things in high school now finding herself enamoured, head-over-heels, and not caring for the criticisms of formerly cynical self.

[ OCTOBER ] A month later and she’s packed up and moved into his place, about as happy as she has ever been of late; everything in life falls into place with him, just makes sense.

[ NOVEMBER ] He gets エマ tattooed on his collarbone; her name in katakana. She gets 23, his lucky number.

They spend thanksgiving with her mom in Cupertino. Frankie hasn’t seen Emma this animated again in a long time, composes a poem about in her head as the green beans and pumpkin pie are passed around. Later of course, she pulls out the baby photos, much to Emma’s embarrassment and Tomo’s delight. “You were such a fat baby, Jesus,”  Tomo laughs. “She looks like she ate baby Jesus,” her mother quips.

When her mom falls asleep, they sneak out and climb up Emma’s childhood treehouse armed with blankets. They gaze at a sliver of night sky through a gap in the roof as Emma tells him her childhood dreams of flying to space and inventing computers that could contact extraterrestrial life. They kiss, they make love, Emma ponders her stance on marriage being outdated and for chumps and losers next to a snoring Tomo.

[ FEBRUARY 2015 ] Their first Valentine’s day together they drop acid at Pier 39. An irate parent yells at them for making out on the merry-go-round in view of children; have they no shame.

She makes new friends, dozens, someone always at their place as Tomo plays them new tracks, smoke weed together, and watch the oil projector light show make shapes on the ceiling. They talk about the future, fame, and world domination.

They don’t discuss babies because neither of them care for that sort of shit — but they do talk about moving into a bigger place together, maybe getting a dog or two — the breed is subject of many arguments.

[ MARCH ] In peak puppy fever, Emma adopts a two year old rescue bulldog named Tito. It’s the first, tiny sign of a crack in their relationship, of dissent — she thinks she sees Tomo glare at the precious pup when he thinks she isn’t looking. But maybe she imagined it. He does shed and slobber uncontrollably after all, and her boyfriend happens to be a clean freak.

[ JULY ] That summer, Emma braves a plane once more to see Tomo play in Atlanta. His set is off the walls and for the first time, she is amazed to see just how many fans he has, how far this boyfriend of hers has come from making tracks in his living room. It’s just too bad she is fast asleep when he tiptoes out of their hotel room to meet one of said fans for a back-alley blowjob.

They roadtrip across the South to play some more venues and the pattern repeats itself in Louisiana, Texas, New Mexico. She wakes up in a cold sweat one night in Vegas, confused as to why he’s gone. “Out getting food. Got hungry.” The message hits her in a weird place, but she is tired, sleepy, and in a haze; Emma accepts, does not question. He even returns with some Taco Bell for her.

Timeskip — 3 years:

[ APRIL 2018 ]

Emma is on her hands and knees in a bathroom, vomit dripping off the toilet rim. She can’t remember how or why she got here, but she’s here. Everything seems to be swimming backwards. Eventually she is able to collect herself off the floor, splash water against her face and wall-to-wall stagger back out of the bathroom. It didn’t work, she’s purged the worst of it but still feeling funny. “Oh, Emma, there you are.” A man’s hands wrap around her. He says he’s friends with Tomo. Says he’ll take her to him. Fade to black.

Waking up with strange bruises should not become a norm, but it does. Emma dismisses it, goes to work, does her best.

Things with Tomo are a violent rollercoaster; some days are great, some days nondescript; and some days downright nightmarish. They fight, throw shit, break shit, yell at each other. Things almost border on the unacceptable as words turn into threats, threats turn to action. A hand around the throat; a body pinned to the wall — her body, of course. His weed grinder he threw that hit her in the head which he swore he’d meant to only toss at the wall. It never crosses a line into the unacceptable, though. That’s what Emma tells herself. He might push her down on the bed, sure, but a bed was soft. He might squeeze her throat in the heat of an argument, but never so much that she’s passing out. He doesn’t hit, kick, or punch her. That was what abusers did, not him. 

She tells herself he can’t help it, his mother used to punish him and his father didn’t love him and now he lashes out the only way he knows how, on the only person he can. He didn’t grown up in as loving a home like she did. He had his reasons. It was okay. They were okay. And the makeup sex afterwards? The best ever.

[ MAY 2018 ]  A month later and Emma is walking in on some girl riding Tomo’s dick like the world was ending, right there on their couch. On their goddamn couch they picked out together, hauled up the stairs with the delivery men. Somehow, the worst part about it all, Emma’s fucked up brain tells her, is that Tito is there to witness it. Her innocent, furry son, witnessing his ‘dad’ for all intents and purposes, cheating on his mom. A ridiculously thought but one she has nonetheless as she’s driving away, Tito next to her in the passenger seat. She goes to sleep at a friend’s and sobs the entire night.

Despite herself, she doesn’t break up with him; but the rift is a mile wide and constantly palpable. Tomo becomes relentlessly apologetic. Not only does he beg forgiveness, he does it live on-air at a radio station, on social media, Emma bombarded by strangers she doesn’t know writing her to take him back. Then he goes and uses her personal kryptonite pulls a Lloyd Dobler outside her work with a Cocorosie song she was absolutely weak for. She hates making a public scene but the sentimental part of her is melting at the gesture, the boombox, all of it. Emma stays. He’d been a shitbag, but he was her shitbag, with all his lovable and terrible qualities wrapped into one person, and she just had to take the shit with the good. Because there was no one else she’d rather be with, ripping side-stitches from too much laughter at four in the morning, tears in her eyes for a good reason this time, from one of his horrifying jokes. 

He was hers and she was his, that’s just how it was to be. Well, as much as she could call him hers when he seemed to be everybody else’s in the process.

Emma does ridiculous, degrading, uncomfortable things in the name of love, and yet in the end she can’t hold on to the love she had for him in the beginning. Way back when they were going up on that ferris wheel at the pier and he looked at her like he had nothing but love in this world, for her. That was what hurt the most, because now the ferris wheel only went down.

There are threesomes, fivesomes, sixsomes, so many bodies in between hers and the one she loves, all in the name of exciting him, holding onto him, trying to be something for him that measured up to Enough. But none of it is enough. None of it makes him happy, nor did it make her happy. She gives him an inch and he takes a mile and then demands more, smiling with blood in his mouth.  She breaks down and becomes something she doesn’t recognize in the mirror. Whether it was an act of revenge or desperation, or finally wanting to give him a taste of his own medicine, Emma sleeps with Corey, one of his best friends. She takes pictures, sends them to him “by accident”. She hates herself through it all, every moment of it, mostly for what he made her into. And yet, underneath all the layers of attempts at hurting him she was really just crawling on all fours, begging him to love her again, need her and want he the way he did in the beginning. Craving to get that first hit back, the one she had been on a residue high off of for four years, the one that now tasted metallic and rancid in her throat.

The worst part? Tomo doesn’t care. He texts her back, telling her to have fun, to send more pictures. She’s never felt this hollow, this empty, this non-entity of a being. The day of her high school graduation flashes in her mind, her dad telling her to never lose her identity, the core of what made her, her. Emma took that core and probably threw it into the Pacific. Somewher between Japan and California, it lies at the bottom of the ocean. 

[ APRIL 2019 ]

Turns out, Emma could draw a line, and that line was becoming accessory to a drug deal. She knew Tomo sold on the side to make up for all the money going into the records, but it had always been a few pills here and there, nothing big. But this? Fentanyl, Xanax, bricks of coke and hash? It was a lot. It was too much.

He sells the drugs and her to go with it, and that’s the end right there. The package she delivers to the apartment he asks her to deliver it to turns into a hostage situation, and she leaves hours later, bruises and caked blood on her. She can’t go home, doesn’t want to. She wants to jump off the bridge she’s crossing from Oakland back to the city. Any bridge, any of them would do. She understands why people jump from the Golden Gate now, or maybe always had. She was there now, climbing the railings, she was ready. She wanted that plunge so badly, would be sad to leave one parent, but good to be reunited with the other. Maybe there she’d be happy, maybe there she’d find peace. 

She calls Ben that night. She’s dry eyed and unemotional, but as soon as she gets the right words, verbalizes her situation, she’s sobbing again. Tomo is out of the city, across the country in Philly on tour. Now was the time, if there was any time for it. She’s not even done with the call when Ben is getting in his car to drive to her. It’s 6 hours from Ojai to San Francisco; he tells her he’ll be there in five. She never deserved a friend like him and never would, Emma thinks as she packs, hastily because somehow Tomo walking through the front door as a ‘surprise’ wouldn’t be out of the question. In the end, she can’t pack everything, has to leave so much behind, her records, books, knickknacks. Five years in this apartment and she’s leaving all of it behind, making a getaway in the middle of the night like some kind of burglar.

By three in the morning he’s here, and they get to packing her suitcases in the car, stacking them as best as they fit in his trunk and backseat, all of Tito’s things and then Tito on a bed in the seat in the back. Emma is in busy mode, stacking and packing everything as fast she can, still somewhere in the back of her mind thinking Tomo would appear at the last minute, and how with Ben here, things could get ugly. She doesn’t want them to get ugly. She loved him far too much to see him have to deal with Tomo, the only person in that specific firing line should be her and no one else.

They drive off. She only feels herself unclench an hour out of Daly City, somewhere in between the Bay and Southern California, where she can exhale. She’s still looking behind them constantly, wondering if every passing car could somehow be him. The saddest, most desperate part of all this that a part of her wants him to have followed. One last ditch attempt to get her back. An all out attempt, one where he would get on both knees and apologize, swear to never be this way again and follow through with it, because he was her person, he was her only person, there was nobody else in this world for her but him, but what do you do when you had to run from your person in the dead of night?

She pulls her raincoat tighter when they stop to get gas, a cold and windy middle of nowhere gas station. She’s not sure how she ends up embracing him, but they’re in it, and feeling someone’s arms around her, somebody that actually cares, who’d never hurt her, who was family, was her mom and his sister and everybody she loved rolled into one, feels like a reprieve. She feels like dirt for making him do this, making him worry, Emma was a piece of shit for that.

She says as much. He tells her to shut up, that she’s nothing like that and this was nothing that he wouldn’t have done for her on any night, any time at all. And maybe that, that was the night she fell in love with him a little bit, or realized she had always been, all along, but God likes to play Lucifer’s games with the little lives he watches over, and it wasn’t made to be, too late anyway since she’d left her heart in somebody else’s hands where it would stay. And he doesn’t need a mess like her anyway, just thinking of the name Catarina was enough. It had been five years but she still remembered the day like yesterday. How low he had been back then. How they would get high together and feel miserable together because at least they had that. They had Weetzie too, but she hadn’t experienced loss like they had, she sympathized but she’d never know what this particular slice of hell was like. But Ben and Emma knew. She knew it in that part of her ribs that met his, and she did not know what she would do if she didn’t have that, have Ben Abrams in her life. 

[ MARCH 2021 ]

Fast forward two years, and the ex is in town. Here, in Los Angeles. That very ex you worked so hard to forget, to heal from, to act like he wasn’t there. And yet, reminders of him were constantly there, everywhere. She doesn’t tell her friends, doesn’t tell anybody he’s in town, just balks when his so called best friend turns up in her neighborhood. She nearly grabs Tito and runs the other way, but it had been too late for that and they have a forced, awkward catch-up. He’s oblivious to anything happening, had barely known about her and Tomo breaking up. Figures, Emma thought, that he would act like nothing happened at all.

He’s in town, and every day she goes to work dreading something happening. She thinks she sees him outside the tattoo parlor’s window, but it’s someone else entirely. She’s losing it again, losing sleep, falling prey to her nightmares. Has a boyfriend now but even that doesn’t help, if anything, he’s a guilty reminder of just how little progress she had made, because she couldn’t devote the time and attention somebody like that needed in her life. Not when all she could think about was him.

The worst part is that once he’s long gone again, back up north, she’s feeling that hollow feeling again. Feeling upset that he didn’t seek her out, didn’t come see her. Even though she knew what an unmitigated disaster that would’ve been, the horrible, rotten part of her wanted it. Of course it wanted it. Two years and her skin still itched for him like an addict longing to be in the throes of fullblown relapse. But he didn’t track her down, call, or text, and that was that. Her only run-in with him involves a party flyer papered on a wall, his name in big stylized letters as the headlining DJ at the club. She stares at that flyer for a little too long, it burns itself in her eye like she’d looked at the sun for too long. And then she does the worst thing she could probably do, go on instagram. Only to find he has a new girlfriend. A brunette with tattoos who looked fun and flirty and everything she had been all those years ago.

That was the last tip of the scale. She reactivates her Tinder, finds some half okay looking guy, makes plans to meet him that night. It’s terrifying, so terrifying going through with, but she gets sufficiently drunk, then high on top of that, and goes through with it. Thinking of another boy’s name the entire time, his face, his body, hands and all the rest. Twelve hours later she’s leaving his apartment, no longer the nun of two years she’d become and feeling shitty about that on top of everything else. It was probably time to go see Karen again she thinks, smoking a cigarette under the sun that melts her while waiting for her Uber home. Thanks friends, thanks family, I’ve made terrific process with all your help and am now back to square one. Thanks for everything.  

Maybe in a decade’s time. 

Maybe she’d be over it by then.